yeah
& for christ's
sake Cut the Mustard!

but put MORE
Sugar! into
EVERY-
thing!

plus add a Ton
of Pepper so's
we can Taste
stuff! if Only
We weren't
so Damn
Power-
less

say that Reminds me:

what
Time's
Luncheon?

Everything. Absolutely everything. Doesn't matter if there are cured meats and sharp cheeses on it. Doesn't matter if there are natural oils or juices doing the job. Doesn't matter if there's a metric fuckton of avocado on it.

These fucking yokel's are going to slap as much Best Foods as they can on it and, worse, make it an opt-out proposition. Why? Why is a roast pork with rapini an opt-out for disgusting globs of mayonnaise? Why is a banh mi subject to Minnesotification just because some Midwest palate may not be able to handle a baguette?

We get it: You've been here forever and this pizza-and-ranch-dressing, biscuits-and-"gravy," every-sandwich-on-the-board-has-mayo approach to life didn't get much pushback until about 1999 or so. But the majority of people who've come here in the 20th Century don't want every food dulled into a casserole. We haven't been sitting at the Friday fish fry letting the peroxide leech into our brains and trying to figure out how to Chi-Chi-fy every cuisine "... for 'American' tastes."

I used to be polite about this. "It's a different culture" I used to say. But ever since more places started opening up that don't go along with this nonsense, I start asking why: Why is there mayo on this? What is this aioli doing here? Could you not send it out with the cup of ranch?

You want to waste my time and foul my meals with this nonsense, you're getting it right back. Mayonnaise is by far the most passive-aggressive addition Portland makes to everyday foods. It's no wonder Eater PDX keeps having to write the "Portland Has No Signature Dish" story. Stop putting mayonnaise and ranch on everyone else's, then maybe we can talk about the merits of your potato wedges.

@jr

I'll
just
have
the Mayo
please. does
in come in a Drum?

^it