First of all, are you excited about Benicio Del Toro being in town? ME TOO!!! But I'm even more excited about the Mercury Spelling Bee I'm hosting this Friday (April 6)! I mean, what if Benicio shows up? What if he says, "Humpy, my Humpy. You set my baggy eyes aflame with desire!" And what if he DOES express his love, and I can't understand a goddam word because he mumbles so much?? I MAY DIE!

Well, that's of little consequence anyway, because there is a MUCH more pressing item on today's agenda, and that pressing item just happens to be that Mary-Kate and Ashley are taking over the fawking world!! Now, I know many of you are smirking, "Mary-Kate and Ashley whooooo?" Well, go ahead and be "fashionably ignorant," but when you're wiping the ass-nuggets off Mary-Kate and Ashley's Pekinese and saying, "Yes, ma'am, missus Mary-Kate and Ashley! Right away, ma'am!" DON'T COME CRYING TO ME.

Now, everybody with a goddam brain remembers Mary-Kate and Ashley as the twins who together played the creepy gnome baby in the 1987 sitcom Full House. The story involved a dick (John Stamos), a dick (Bob Saget), and another dick (Dave Coulier) who find themselves raising three adorable and precocious little dicks. The show aired until 1991, when, happily, the careers of everyone involved were heartlessly crushed--that is, everyone except the show's most dangerous participants, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

While you and I have been getting laid and eating fish sticks, Mary-Kate and Ashley have been marketing new products and amassing a fortune we can only dream of and they're only 14 freaking years old!! They've got seven straight-to-video movies that sell like cocaine hotcakes, a line of clothing, dolls, video games, posters, books, calendars, jewelry Jesus Christ, give them a Mary-Kate and Ashley line of T-bone steaks and they'd never have to leave the house!

BUT DIG THIS: MK&A have firmly stepped into Oprah territory by coming out with their very own MAGAZINE. It's called--get this--mary-kateandashley magazine, and it not only features the twins on the cover, but no less than 50,000 additional pictures of them inside the mag looking all supermodel and shit. But here's the really weird part! Even though it's all girly-girly, with plenty of articles about what to say to cute boys, writing bad poetry, makeup tips, and what to say to cute boys, it also treats prepubescent girls as if they were actual human beings! WHICH IS A GODDAM CRIME, IF YOU ASK ME!

Mary-Kate and Ashley are the living breathing Barbie Dolls of the new millennium, and if they are going to become Oprah-like role models for the braces-and-My Pretty Pony set, it's going to make it very difficult for people like me to make fun of them! Which, in case you haven't noticed, comprises 97 percent of my job! And it's not just me who will suffer! Pretty soon, if things continue on their current path, you'll be pushing MK&A brooms, pulling MK&A cappuccinos, and wiping your hoo-hoo with MK&A TP! And perhaps, one day? You'll be reading a little column called I Love Mary-Kate and Ashley™. And who'll be laughing then?