If you've seen me wandering aimlessly around town this week, you probably wondered, "Huh. Why isn't Humpy at the Television Critics Association press tour in Pasadena, California?" Well, simply put, it was because I WASN'T FAWKING INVITED, OKAY?!?! And why wasn't I invited? Because everyone in the Television Critics Association is A BUNCH OF FREAKING TOUCH-HOLES WHO ARE JEALOUS OF MY FAME AND ABILITY TO ACQUIRE BOOTY!!!

And it's not like I even wanted to go on their stoopid press junkets anyway. All you get for your trouble is a bunch of boring speeches from network executives about snoozy shows debuting this spring and summer. Oh, and you might get a King of Queens coffee cup. BIG FAWKING DEAL. Although I must admit it would be nice to get a new cup, because I accidentally broke my Coach mug hurling it at an intern. But like I said, I don't really give a crap.

However! As stated earlier, it was ultimately my FAME that got me blackballed (and I don't mean that in the sexy interracial way). See, everyone who belongs to the Television Critics Association is UGLY as ASS. They smell funny, and dress only marginally better than the homeless. So if they happen to hear that instead of attending the seminar entitled "The TV Critic's Role in Society," I'm in my hotel room banging a starlet from the WB (who shall remain nameless--but her initials are A.J.) well, it's not surprising why they gave the dumpy to Humpy.

Anyway. I hate them, they hate me, and we'll just leave it at that. BUT! The good news is that I have moles deep within the television industry, and that means you get all the latest news and gossip without the stupid industry spin. For example! As I announced last week, fans of the FOX comedy The Tick should wake up and smell the coffee because that crap-ass show has been justifiably CANCELLED. And for those wondering about the fate of one of the best shows in the world, the Felicity-esque spy caper Alias, it will definitely be returning with all-new episodes next season! Whoop-diddy-doo!

And hardly a day goes by without someone asking me where the FAWK the new episodes of The Sopranos and Six Feet Under are. Well, lovers of these terrific HBO shows are gonna have to pinch their peters, because while Six Feet will definitely be back in March, the goombah-lovin' Sopranos won't return until early SUMMER, and maybe not until FALL! To those guys I say, "C'mon! Quit yer DINKIN'!"

And while most of the news is far too uninteresting to relate, you might want to know about the newest in "evil quiz shows." Besides The Chair and its carbon copy, The Chamber, both specializing in torturing contestants, my new fave is a show called Russian Roulette (debuting in April on the Game Show Network). And while no one gets their head blown off, after a contestant gives a wrong answer, a lever is pulled, and the loser actually falls through a hole in the stage, and is forgotten FOREVER! HA! HA! HAWWW!!! Hmmm much like the way the Television Association has forgotten ME.

SCREW IT! Who needs their stupid convention anyway? Sniff!