God DAMMIT! I'm sorry to start off this column with a curse, but I'm madder than a bobcat in a saltwater taffy machine about these humongous mega-conglomerates who think they own me! See, the only reason I took this stoopid job in the first place--and we all know it's a stoopid job who in their right freaking mind writes a TV column??--is because I didn't want to work for THE MAN. And who is THIS MAN of which I speak? Taco Freaking Bell, motherfawker! Taco Freaking Bell!
As I understand it, Taco Freaking Bell owns EVERYTHING. I'm told they own Pepsi, Starbucks, Texaco, Lipton Iced Tea, Nike, Dole single-serve juices, Ford Motor Company, Chee-tos, Kool cigarettes, Mug Root Beer, AT&T, Jordache Jeans, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Kentucky (the state), *NSYNC, Spider-Man, the collected works of Simon and Garfunkel, Saddam Hussein's chemical weapons factory, and anything else you may have touched within the last five minutes, which includes but is not limited to your GENITALIA.
And that ain't right.
But! The one thing they don't own are MY TV SHOWS. Sure, Taco Freaking Bell is allowed to advertise on my TV shows, but that's where the Fiesta Gordita STOPS. I will NOT have the content of my favorite shows dictated to me by a talking Chihuahua plagued with gastrointestinal distress. (Seriously, what kind of dog owners feed their pups Taco Freaking Bell? I once fed my pooch an undercooked hot dog and was cleaning the feces off my walls for a week!)
Unfortunately for TV lovers everywhere, the megalo-corporation Taco Freaking Bell is making a move to infiltrate our homes with TWO brand-new shows, starring one of its primary subsidiaries, Pepsi Freaking Cola! The new shows debuting this summer on the WB are called Pepsi Smash and Pepsi Play for a Billion--both of which could be easily ignored except for one crucial fact: The latter show features a monkey giving away one billion dollars.
WHAT THE FAWK IS GOING ON HERE? When did Taco Freaking Bell purchase my BRAIN?!? How did they know I would happily watch any piece of shit as long as it has a monkey in it? And do you know what's even worse? THIS SHOW HAS NO PLOT! Pepsi is simply going to stick an "entry code" underneath the caps of its products, the recipients will mail it in, and then a thousand finalists will be selected to appear on the show. So the entire plot of Pepsi Play for a Billion is a thousand people standing around looking at a monkey who will select the winner by literally pulling a number out of a hat!! And sadly enough, this will probably STILL be more interesting than any episode of Law & Order!!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND? FINALLY?!? Because they added a monkey, I am contractually FORCED to write about this show which is owned by Taco Freaking Bell, who in essence, now own ME! I didn't sign up for this! And I don't care what they do, there is no freaking way I'm going to work behind the counter at Taco Freaking Bell! I'll move to Mexico first!
Ohhh crap. They own Mexico, too? AUGHHHHHH!!!
