Let's break out a new pair of underpants, because it's time for the November sweeps! For the less-than-media savvy, "sweeps" is a term used by the networks that literally means, "Let's screw our advertisers." Here's how it works: Advertising rates are determined by how good the network's ratings are, right? And since the ad rates are decided in late winter, the networks do everything they can to artificially pump up their numbers in November! Unfortunately, these rating-grabbing "very special episodes" are generally CRAP, so it's like grafting a prosthetic penis onto a blender--which may sound like an okay idea at first, but the end result really hurts.
Especially if the blender has faulty wiring.
Anyway! Watching the "sweeps" is like watching a particularly gruesome train wreck, and here are some wrecks you definitely won't want to miss!
Britney Spears: In the Zone (Nov 17, ABC) Britney has a crap-tastic new album coming out, and in this hourlong infomercial/concert she appears in "a variety of incarnations that are sexy, Gothic, romantic and truly eye-popping." OkayÉ so if she actually pops the eyes out of her sockets--then I'll watch.
Justin Timberlake: Down Home in Memphis (Nov 25, NBC) Not to be outdone by the backstabbing whore who broke his heart, Justin holds a concert in his home state of Tennessee. As an added bonus, after the show he's taken behind the barn to be anally gangbanged by his hillbilly cousins.
American Idol: Christmas Songs (Nov 25, Fox) Lock up the gun and liquor cabinets! Nothing will make you more inclined to swallow the business end of a shotgun than holiday tunes crooned by American Idol failures Justin Guarini, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, and Clay Aiken. Later in the episode, Clay is taken behind the barn and anally gangbanged by Justin Timberlake's hillbilly cousins.
Trista and Ryan's Wedding (Nov 26, ABC) The "winners" of the reality game show The Bachelorette, Trista and Ryan, prove they weren't just in it for the money by actually getting married. Or will they? Be sure to catch the last 15 minutes, when Trista reveals she is really a one-legged Puerto Rican circus midget with a permanent yeast infection, and Ryan admits to being one of Justin Timberlake's hillbilly cousins.
The Challenge (Nov 15, ABC) Finally! A bright spot in this swimming pool of diaper gravy. It's the triumphant return of the Olsen twins (Mary-Kate and Ashley) as angry siblings who are forced to compete together in a reality show (which I hope is called Escape from Hillbilly Island).
The Reagans (Previously scheduled for Nov 16 on CBS, now CANCELED) What the FAWK?! Thanks to the "fair and balanced" cries of conservative right-wingers, this four-hour miniseries criticizing Ronald and Nancy Reagan has been canned by the chickenshits at CBS. And yet we still have to endure TWO TV movies about the bullshit government-staged rescue of POW Jessica Lynch? I'm so angry, I can't even make a Justin Timberlake gangbanging hillbilly joke!
