You may be wondering why I'm bringing this to your attention. It's because (a) I believe butt doctors should receive far more respect, (b) I'm anally fixated, and (c) in a way, I consider myself the butt doctor of the television-critic community. See, I'm the guy who always knows HOW to fix a problem with a bad TV show, but much like the butt doctor, the patients (AKA the networks) are often too ashamed to ask for help.
Nevertheless, I have sworn a hypnospastic oath to help out TV shows in need--whether they want me digging around in their butts or not! Check out my diagnoses for the following popular shows that have serious problems dwelling deep inside their bottoms….
· Desperate Housewives (ABC, Sundays, 9 pm): In about 25 seconds, everyone in the world will finally realize that I'M RIGHT and see that this show really isn't very good at all. Why? Because in the farthermost reaches of its bottom, Desperate Housewives is a GAY show without any GAYS in it! The answer? Recast ALL the female leads with DRAG QUEENS. Wouldn't a clumsy drag queen be far more hilarious than the pratfalling Teri Hatcher? Of course it would! This bunghole of a show has "too much heterosexuality" cancer--and it's time someone dug in there and ripped it out!
· Lost (ABC, Wednesdays, 8 pm): Think about it! Other than exposing the backsides of its characters, has anything actually happened on this show? Today's persnickety viewers only have so much patience, and if Lost doesn't want to succumb to the Twin Peaks disease, they'd better answer a few questions toot sweet! Like (a) When's that invisible monster going to eat some more people? (b) If you're going to have a polar bear on a tropical island, could it at least be realistic? And (c) Who is Kate going to "jump on the wild baloney pony" with? I HAVE TO KNOW! Watching Lost is like digging around for a prostate that wasn't there in the first place!
· The O.C. (Fox, Thursdays, 8 pm): This show looks healthy as a horse, but poke around its bottom, and stuff definitely starts to stink! Such as those annoying parallel plotlines where the adults are always suffering from the same problems as the kids. And what's up with the constant stream of drippy girlfriends? Just when drippy Anna gets kicked off the show, in walks drippy Lindsay! But worst of all, half the season is already over, and Summer hasn't whipped off her shirt ONCE. The way I see it, what's the use of getting a fancy medical degree if you can't watch somebody whip off their shirt?!
