BLECCHHH! Oh my god... my stomach is churning. And you know the saliva that builds up in your mouth when you're overcome by nausea? Well, I've got that saliva! Ooohhhh... I just want to lie my throbbing head down on the cool, cool tile of the bathroom floor. Ahhhh... that's better. BLECCHHH! Omigod, omigod, there's gross hair and dirt down here! And what's that brownish condom-looking thing behind the toilet?? Oh, sweet Jesus! My bathroom is like a freaking George Romero movie!!

I blame Ben Affleck for my current nauseated condition—or more succinctly, Ben Affleck's sperm. ACK! I'm gagging just thinking about it! And the reason I'm thinking about it is because Ben Affleck had the NERVE to ejaculate his seed into the vagina of one of my fave TV actresses, Jennifer Garner. Why couldn't he have impregnated J.Lo? No one gives a shit about her! Now I can't even look at Garner's bloated belly without thinking about Affleck's sperm sloshing around in there and spilling all over my already hairy bathroom floor!

No, I will NOT "calm down"! Why don't you ask Jennifer Garner to "calm down" and get the abortion the world is begging for? But, nooooooooooo! Not only is she going to keep Affleck's oily offspring, she's decided to return to her role as Sydney Bristow on TV's Alias—just so the sperm inside her stomach can continue mocking me! And get this: While most shows modestly hide their pregnant lady stars behind well-placed floral arrangements and bulky overcoats, Sydney will also be knocked up—so say goodbye to those sexy negligees, and hello to high-waisted granny panties!

Let's face facts, shall we? Alias has so little going for it in the first place, if Garner's semi-nudity and fight scenes are sidelined, what possible reason is there for me to watch it? Well, according to ABC programming chief Stephen McPherson, "While we don't want to put [Sydney] in situations where she's endangering herself and the baby... she'll be able to run a fair amount."

OH, GREAT! Don't you mean "roll"?

Though they may be trying to disguise it, ABC execs aren't too happy about the oily bun in Garner's oven, and are scrambling to ramp up the show's sex appeal by adding a new, younger, and presumably less-pregnant agent who will be mentored by Sydney. According to industry scuttlebutt, Rachel Nichols—who you will not remember from the unmemorable show The Inside—will play the role of the new, non-pregnant sexy girl. Rumor also has it that the father of Syd's baby will indeed be Agent Vaughn (actor Michael Vartan, who in real life had the opportunity of knocking up ex-girlfriend Jennifer Garner, but ultimately blew it! You idiot! Your sperm is so much nicer than Affleck's!).

Well, Mr. Affleck—I hope you're satisfied. You've officially ruined one of my favorite shows with the careless handling of your oily seed. And as for YOU, Ms. Garner, if you won't be using those vials of seed I mailed you, I would like them returned. Thank you!