Note to "world": I no longer require your services. Why? Because I have a "computer" which fulfills my every need. In fact, this "computer" fulfills needs I never knew I had—like "porn needs." Frankly, world, you suck at fulfilling my "porn needs." And what about my "watching funny videos of people attempting unsuccessful backflips off the top of a house" needs? The internet can provide one at a moment's notice. And how many have YOU sent me? That's right, ZEROOOOOOOOO!
I also have no further need for the phone company, since I refuse to address anyone unless it's via text message or email. So for that crazy crackhead who stands outside my office window and screams, "I'm gonna kill you, Humpy!! Kill you, kill you, KILL YOU!!!"—maybe you can instant message me? Otherwise you're going to have to stand in line; I'm too busy fighting busty half-nude teenage ninjas—ON MY "COMPUTER."
And that goes quadruple for my television. I am so technologically superior, I can no longer bear to look at you. Let's say I want to see David Hasselhoff—NOW!! There's only a 1 in 50 chance he'll be on TV at any given moment. But on my computer? Within 10 seconds I'm not only looking at the Hoff... I'm staring at him in a SPEEDO. Television? Puh-leeze! Thanks to the "computer," I can download my fave shows whenever I want. If I want people kicking each other in the Scrabble bag, I download MTV's Viva La Bam. If I want amoral sitcoms, I download the hilarious It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And if I want people to know I'm a big freaking nerd, I download the amazingly addictive serialized cartoon Star Wars: Clone Wars. (All are available for $1.99 a pop at iTunes.)
Plus I can get free episodes of Lost, Alias, All My Children (from abc.com), the censored South Park episode "Trapped in the Closet"—starring Tom Cruise, R. Kelly, and a bunch of Scientologists—(contemporaryinsanity.org), and starting Thursday, July 13, I can also get free, never-before-seen webisodes of my fave sitcom, The Office (nbc.com). "Hold on there, Humpy, you freaking techno-nerd!" I hear you cry. "I am going to punch you in the face if I ever hear you utter the word 'webisode' again." Well, good luck—because I'll be in the FUTURE watching WEBISODE after WEBISODE after WEBISODE. Meanwhile, you'll be stuck in the old-timey past, drinking water out of a well, and contracting polio.
But for those futuristic types, "webisodes" are web-only mini-episodes (around three minutes long)—in this case featuring characters from The Office. Every week nbc.com will premiere a new webisode starring the accounting department of Dunder Mifflin who discover that $3,000 has gone missing—which means someone in the office is a goddamn thief! Trust me... hilarity will ensue. And even if it doesn't, it's only three minutes long!
So "sorry," television! You are now part of my past—like Napoleon Bonaparte, low-carb diets, and my first girlfriend, Shirley Roundtree. I'll send you a postcard from "the future" and tell you all about the amazing inventions there: like freeze-dried ice cream, flying skateboards, and holographic nudie shots of David Hasselhoff.