Once again, the Russian intelligentsia have made complete fools of us stupid Americans. While we've wasted our time and resources developing micro-processors and mapping human DNA, Russian scientists have perfected Sapogi-Skorokhody, or "Fast-Moving Magic Boots."

After nearly 30 years in development, the internal combustion boots (a cross between leg braces, stilts, and lawn mower engine parts) are the product of Russia's esteemed Ufa Aviation University's Combustion Engines Department. You could be thinking, "Say, isn't that the same Ufa Aviation department that's working on the hat that makes its wearer invisible?" The answer is DA!

Sapogi-Skorokhody enable users of above-average athletic ability to take 14-foot strides and run at speeds of 60 kilometers per hour (about 23 MPH, presumably faster than most Russian automobiles). However, even chubbies with chubbies could reach speeds of 15 KPH, and could potentially cross a room in a flash for second helpings of taters and vodka.

Demonstrating the only existing pair of the prototype piston-powered boots, chief tester Sergei Atanov told The Moscow Times, "I'm a medium-sized man, but when I'm wearing them, I'm Gulliver in the land of Lilliputians." Even though the boots won't go into full production for years, Russians are already lining up to buy them.

Says Atanov, the Magic Boots can be used to "go up stairs" and to "jump over bushes and ditches." Additional applications would benefit "herdsmen, postmen, and disabled people."

Atanov recently exhibited the prowess of the super-boots in Moscow, by running past a group of reporters. Times reporter Yulia Solovyova said, "the boots made a loud choo-choo noise and puffed out clouds of exhaust." While other mechanisms in development at Ufa using Sapogi-Skorokhody technology include a shocking "improved jack hammer," the boots are unquestionably slated to advance Russian military superiority.

"As a man who fought in a number of wars," claimed Vladimir Melnikov of Russia's Defense Ministry, "I can imagine such boots being used by messengers at the front lines or during long marches." He then conceded, "They would make a man an easy target."

On the sexier side, there is no question that husband-seeking women love a man in a uniform wearing motorized stilts. They're a push-over!