Kissing bugs (Rhodnius prolixus) are foul creatures. Originally from South & Central America, populations have been growing in the U.S. for nearly a decade. Kissing bugs love lips. They gather around on the lips while their victim sleeps, bite holes, drink blood, then shit in the hole! Their shit contains a parasite that climbs out into the lips and enters the bloodstream, transmitting Chagas Disease, which kills 50,000 people annually.

As if that weren't bad enough, when kissing bugs are newly hatched, they can't yet digest human blood--even though that's what they're supposed to eat! They have to eat their mothers' poop first, which contains an enzyme that allows human blood digestion. Except for ensuring a symbiotic relationship with parasites, it's kind of like that with human infants.

You can't feed newborn human babies stuff like jalapeno poppers and Mott's Clamato right out of the womb, because it would probably cause the infant to squirt molten oil from every pore in its body and spontaneously combust due to a series of subatomic capsicum-triggered implosions. Bare minimum, you have got to work your way up from 'teat to tart' first--or you'll end up with a bouncing baby lump of coal on your hands. Remember; Rome wasn't weaned in a day, and some men and women will never be.

Now that the kissing bug has settled in North America, we no longer have to leave the country for Chagas Disease. Instead of lounging in South American hammocks while some Amazon shaman waxes our nipples with monkey nectar while kissing bugs are biting and shitting in our mouths, we can enjoy that luxury in the comfort of our own backyards!

On the other hand, we should thank SCIENCE ALMIGHTY that kissing bugs crap in our lips and not in our butts! The thought of something shitting in my ass repulses me. And speaking of science... What is the solution to the kissing bug dilemma? Rubber poop! American Scientists (the real heroes) have developed "genetically modified bacteria," which fools baby kissing bugs into thinking they're eating their mother's own shit. The miraculous "rubber poop" is so convincing, baby kissing bugs can't tell the difference. They eat it, bite into a lip sandwich, and DIE!

As you continue to enjoy this summer season remember: Don't forget your sunscreen, and be sure to smear rubber shit on your mouth. While you're at it, stick a cork up your ass for the hell of it. Enjoy your summer!