A true privilege of scientists is the gratifying capacity to name things whatever they want. Thank Science Almighty for the power this particular perk wields. Even if things come pre-named, any scientist with a rectal thermometer and a grease pencil can design new distinctions and means to describe them with appellative surety. Renaming is rampant!

Recently, entomologist Edward Wilson named a species of ant after his favorite action/adventure film star, Harrison Ford. Because of Wilson's questionable affection for Ford, the bug will forever be known as Peidole harrisonfordi. At least, until another scientist comes along and re-names it after a platinum-class cocksucker from Detroit. Earlier, Wilson proudly named a Mexican ant after an Intel executive. Go figure.

I have a few ideas for re-naming other research subjects: Patrick Stewart for instance. Stewart, the larva-headed actor from the Star Trek: the Next Generation and X-Men films, could be the inspiration for naming any number of maggoty grub-like creatures--some type of moth pupa or a quivering horsefly seed, nudging to be noticed. Xanthia glarepate patrickstewartia sounds like a reasonable choice.

But why stop there? I'm sure there's some type of skanky double-breasted warbler out there I could name after Christina Aguilera. Something like Phylloscopussy skankua aguileria? Or how about Marlon Brando as a hairless walrus--Odobenidaepink bloatis disgusto. Shouldn't manatees be named after Anna Nichole Smith?

Then again, you're a talented and self-assured individual. Why leave it to me and my personal prejudices to create new names for the usual suspects? Originate your own funny Latin-style names for famous personages, and send them in. The best names will be paraded here in It Sure Is A Scientific World. The funniest will win a box of light bulbs and a pair of tweezers!

Don't let politics stop you, either. We all have to get our free speech out of the way today before the government starts cracking down tomorrow. Some have already called the W a "chicken hawk" for avoiding the draft, while today he prepares to send other peoples' kids off to die for his initial.

After I milk your ideas for all they're worth, I'll send them off to some fancy-ass scientific journal for consideration. It's time we helped bring science back where it belongs: to people like us, who enjoy making fun of others.