OLD MAN YELLS AT COLUMN
RE: “To the Distinguished Elder Gentlemen of Portland” [I, Anonymous, Jan 18]. “What is it with the 60-year-old men in this city?” asked Anonymous. “You all wear hats. You all smell like an ashtray. And you all seem to think you need to comment on everything.... Just because you’re 60 doesn’t mean your opinions are worth a good goddamn. And don’t embarrass yourself with the 22-year-old beauty running the coffee shop. You don’t look like George Clooney, you’re not rich, and that thing on your face doesn’t make you ‘distinguished.’ ...When did you stop being men and start being imbeciles?”
The following response was mailed to the “I, Not So Anonymous Department.” It was typed on a typewriter.
“FUCK YOU!” is my first response. “You’re not getting laid,” is my second response. Many of us distinguished elders have kept PDX quiet and cool, so assholes like you wouldn’t move here. But you found us anyway through Portlandia or FB or whatever. I figure you’re covered in tattoos, got a dark facial hair thing going on, and wear clothes that are too small for you. Well listen up: We’ve been there and done this already. You are not new, you are just young. As the tombstones in New England say, “Behold and see, all ye who pass by/As I was once, so you are now. As I am now/so you must be. Prepare for death and follow me.”
P.S. We wear hats because we have less hair, and our heads get cold. You are so stupid.
BEEP BEEP CHA-CHING
RE: “Saturday’s Women’s March Might Have Caused TriMet’s Busiest Rush Ever” [Blogtown, Jan 23]. “If you attempted to ride a bus or MAX train down to the waterfront for Saturday’s Women’s March on Portland, you already know: TriMet was pushed to its limit,” wrote News Editor Dirk VanderHart.
Funny that TriMet was threatening to shut down service to downtown. 82,500 additional riders at an adult fare of $2.50 = $206,250. Looks like TriMet profited nicely from the protest they were so a’scared of.
RE: “Women’s March on Portland: You People... Give Me Hope” [Blogtown, Jan 21], Senior Editor Megan Burbank’s write-up of the march. Burbank covered some of the protest’s highlights, including “the Pussy Riot dancers, the witches, the vaginas dentata (yes, that’s the plural), and the crowds of marchers leaning out of multiple parking structures along the route to cheer their fellow activists on.”
As a person who took his degree in Latin, please allow me to be a smug, insufferable prick when I point out that the correct Latin plural for “vagina dentata” is NOT, as you allege, “vaginas dentata.” Rather, it should be “vaginae dentatae.” Any first-year Latin student would get five points off their first-declension noun and adjective quiz for that error.
Mike Grigsby-Lane, Insufferable Classics Major
RE: “Where Are They Now, the ‘Most Fuckable People in Portland’ Circa 2002” [Blogtown, Jan 23], Bri Brey’s post tracking down those who were deemed “most fuckable” by the readers of the Mercury’s 2002 Portland Sex Survey. The winners included former KATU weatherman Rob Marciano (“confirmed, he is still extremely hot,” declared Brey), Rasheed Wallace, “Mr. Gay Pride 2001” (AKA Scott Weimer (“His Twitter was last updated in 2015, at which time he was playing WordBrain,” Brey deduced), “Geoff at the Rialto,” “Miss America from Gresham” (AKA Katie Harman, who “now lives in Southern Oregon and is a mother of two”), “Carrie Brownstein of Sleater-Kinney,” “Daria O’Neil from KNRK,” Darcelle, and “Anyone at Stumptown Coffee.”
Katie Harman was a resident of mine during her freshman year of college, after which she transferred to a much less academically rigorous institution to “focus on pageantry.” Guess that worked out for her, and it was good to see her go, given her daily opera vocal exercises in her dorm room that carried through the building and made studying difficult for everyone else.
WELL, YEAH, genius, that DID work out for her. Jesus, Flavio—first that goddamned Latin guy, and now you? What’s with this week’s belligerent geezers and obnoxious nerds? Instead of giving any of you the Mercury’s letter of the week prize—which comes with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater—we’re giving those tickets to Gresham’s pride... Katie Harman, Miss Oregon 2001 and Miss America 2002! Katie, next time you’re in Portland, enjoy a trip to the movies—courtesy of us, your devoted fans at the Mercury.
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