THE LAMEST VOLCANO
RE: “Jerks Need to Shut Up About OMSI’s Baking Soda Volcano” [Blogtown, July 24], Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey’s impassioned defense of OMSI’s somewhat underwhelming attempt “to break the world record for ‘largest baking soda and vinegar volcano.’” Meanwhile, Humphrey noted, “jerks on the internet set out to become the biggest dicks ever by making fun of OMSI’s volcano,” because “Apparently the sight of a 34-foot WORKING science project volcano didn’t meet up to the rigorous standards of those raised on Transformers movies.”
You’re mistaken. That wasn’t the sound of disappointed children, but rather a collective “meh” from the hassle of hipsters (a group of hipsters is called a “hassle”) who saw it done much better at Burning Man in 2010. That volcano was three times as large, it served as the playa’s primary location to wash dishes, and it featured new music from Burial, Aphex Twin, Tricky and Ishq. You’d have said “meh” too if you’d been at Burning Man, but you weren’t, were you, you corporate sellout.
DISPATCH FROM ZIG ZAG
RE: Portlanders ruining everything.
Hey you Portlanders and your suburban compatriots!
You guys are getting out of hand when you come visit Mount Hood every weekend, holiday, snow day, and mental health day.
When you do come to visit, remember that this place is our home. We came here to get away from you. You are a guest here.
Stop trying to kill us with your cars. We have one gas station and two weed stores—there is no place to be in a hurry to get to. So slow the fuck down and drive the speed limit. It is clearly posted at 45 MPH.
While Highway 26 looks like a freeway, it isn’t. It’s our Main Street. Bring it down about 80 percent. Chain up in designated areas instead of blocking the whole right lane about a half mile east of Sandy. If you can’t drive in snow, don’t come up here and try and learn how to by going into a ditch.
Pack out your trash and stop vandalizing the trails, rivers, and forests.
We don’t come to your neighborhood in droves every chance we get and endanger your families and dump our trash all over your lawns. Knock it off. This is a chill place. So come chill. Use some goddamn couth.
SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK ‘N’ ROLL
RE: the Mercury’s pick-up locations.
Since I closed my office downtown and retired to an independent living facility, I have had trouble finding your paper. Specifically, the box at the Northwest Hoyt post office is no longer there, nor is there one around my US Bank branch at Southwest 4th & Harrison.
My neighbors and I still like sex (every chance we get), drugs (especially vaping medical marijuana), and rock and roll (I personally have a fondness for Norwegian death metal), and many of us read your paper.
If you had a corner box at 102nd Ave and East Burnside, I think that between the two large retirement complexes here and Russellville Park Retirement Community on the opposite corner, together with the 102nd MAX platforms, many of us would be regular readers of your paper. Some of us, I suspect, have even starred in videos featured in your annual HUMP Fest.
Thank you again for a great read. All best,
Alf L. Jorgenson
Alf! We’re sorry you’ve had a hard time finding the Mercury! While we can’t currently put a distro box at the intersection you suggest, we do have a Mercury box at Northwest 6th and Hoyt (one block from where the post office one used to be) and one at Southwest 4th and Hall (a block from your US Bank). We’re also giving you the Mercury’s letter of the week—and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater for you and a date! You can pick up a Mercury there, too— after the movie, and before getting laid.
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