TODAY'S TOPIC: Let My Pussy Go!

Dear Reverend Hanson,

Recently, my beloved cat Moses has started displaying some decidedly un-Christian-like behavior. First, he is constantly licking himself DOWN THERE. If that weren't enough, now it seems that every time I turn my back, he urinates on my personal belongings. I'm beginning to think that his unclean behavior might be a sign that he is possessed by SATAN! What should I do? What would Jesus do??

Sincerely,
My Pussy is Possessed

Dear MPIP: Does your cat bark like a dog or make the sounds of other animals? When licking himself, does he describe the actions lewdly in English? If Moses speaks in tongues in this way, you have much to fear. Also, has Moses recently opened canned food using only his teeth and claws? Be very suspicious if your pet exhibits any such disproportionate physical strength. Finally, and most importantly, is your cat averse to sacred instruments? If you throw holy water on him, does he recoil?

If Moses exhibits these symptoms, immediately enlist the aid of a pet exorcist. Exorcism of Satan can only be accomplished by a true servant of God who is pure of heart, authoritative, humble, and of good social repute. I can perform this service for a fee; however, I am sorely booked through January. If you cannot wait, or if funds are tight, I suggest you order my instructional pet exorcism video, "LET MY PUPPY GO!" Part one of this informative guide introduces pet exorcism as practiced from Roman times up to the present day. Part two lists the Seven Symptoms of Satan, a foolproof diagnostic guide for pets ranging from goldfish to horses to small children. Part three outlines the Roman Ritual of Exorcism: ablution, invocation, enjoinment, and final exorcism. Part four teaches useful knots and stain removal tips.

If your pet shows no signs of possession, take heed! You are safe for the moment, but Satan's armies always seek bivouac in the houses of the insufficiently holy! Your cat cannot receive spiritual guidance through language, and therefore, must learn by example. Just what kind of example have you been setting for your cat? Do you take him to church? Do you read to him from the Good Book? We all must walk our pets daily down the straight and narrow path if we wish them someday to frolic in Jesus' Yard. To "spare the rod" in this case is not only to spoil the carpet, but to deny Moses his place on God's lap in Paradise!