Our Spell-Checker, Who Art in Heaven

Dear Reverend Hanson: I am a young Bible student of modest means. Recently, upon presenting my report on Jesus' troubled teenage years to my after-school coffee group, I discovered to my humiliation that Microsoft Word's spell-checker had changed every occurrence of "Gerasenes" to "greasiness," of "Philistine" to "small intestine," and of "Sodomite" to "odometer." Microsoft's website says their latest upgrade fixes these problems and is 100% King James compatible. But that upgrade costs $200, while the payments on my new laptop already strain my meager Bible student income.

Last night my friend Chet, who is uncircumcised, brought over his Microsoft Word CD and upgraded my computer for free. I thank the Lord for delivering my spell-checker from the demons that besieged it, yet my conscience is troubled.

Reverend, I know stealing software is a crime, but is it a sin?

-- Troubled Techie in Tualatin

Dear TTT: When you accept the illegitimate software of a non-believer into your hard disk, you endanger not only the soul of your new machine, but your own soul as well! The virus of faithlessness spreads through the friendly email of charity; the helping hand of the unholy may appear sanitary, but thereupon thrive the invisible microbes of damnation!

The New Testament tells us how Jesus duplicated loaves and fishes for the hungry, thereby costing the bakers and fishermen of Galilee hundreds of thousands of shekels in lost revenue. But He is the Son of God, and His authorization came directly from Our Heavenly CEO. Until you obtain similar clearance, render unto Bill Gates what is Bill Gates', for Windows is but one part of God's Incomprehensible Plan.

If you cannot afford to pay for Microsoft Word, consider the lowly typewriter. It crashes not; neither does it boot. And it is 100% King James compatible.