The Fog of War

Dear Reverend: Hello from sunny Afghanistan! I'm fighting with Operation Anaconda here in the Khowst mountain range, hunting down those wily al-Qaida and their stupid evil mastermind Osama bin Laden! We'll find him, don't you worry ...and that soiled mattress too! (Just kidding.)

There sure is a whole lot of killing and dying going on out here. They call it the "Fog of War." We kill them, they kill us, sometimes we kill ourselves by mistake, and sometimes we don't know who's been killed, or if they're even all the way dead yet. But I try to be philosophical. It's a dirty job, but it's mine, so I try to enjoy it, and I hope my parents back home in Troutdale are proud of me. (Hi!)

I'm no Christian myself, but there's two Christians in my platoon, and they need your kind of guidance. Frankly, they're having trouble getting their hands around their job, by which I mean around the necks of these al-Qaida. They keep bringing up this commandment from the Bible, "Thou shalt not kill." I guess that's fine and dandy for peacetime, but we're fighting for freedom out here! If God wants His chosen people to triumph over these towel-head Muslim degenerates, why does He issue these conflicting orders?

Please, how can I explain to these men that killing is okay?

Sergeant Alfred Baker, 10th Mountain Light Infantry Division, KABUL

Dear Sergeant: Killing is not 'okay'! Killing is a grave sin, second only to homosexuality! However, Christians are bathed in the blood of the Lamb, and know their other bloodbaths will be forgiven.

Jesus taught us to love our enemies and to turn the other cheek to those who strike us. But on September 11th America ran out of cheeks! Although fighting is itself evil, to fight Evil is good, for the alternative would be to let Evil have its way with our cheeks and the cheeks of our loved ones.

St. Thomas Aquinas was the first figure of Biblical proportions to fully address the complex problem of Christian peacekeeping, or "war" as it is sometimes called. His doctrine of Just War explains that there are Christian ways to prevent war, but that once war has broken out, Christians must win it.

Therefore, assure your men that they fight the Afghan war entirely in self-defense. The threat posed to America by this small nation of mountain-dwelling shepherds cannot be overestimated. The righteous goal of this war, likewise, is a return to peace, and not the annexation of any nearby oilfields. Remind your men never to harm non-combatants on purpose, and to limit their aggression to the barest amount necessary for total annihilation of the enemy.

But above all, assure them that if they have violated the doctrine of Just War, Jesus forgives them; for the Fog of War is a clear sunny day compared to the Mystery of Faith.