Dear Reverend Hanson: If Jesus was remodeling His Kitchen, and if He had selected "Sunspot" for the walls, what accent would He choose for the trim? My wife and I have prayed for guidance, but while I know in my heart that the Lord wants "Intimate Avocado," still, my wife clings to the belief that He prefers "Ice Birthstone." What would Jesus do?

Sorely Tried, Tualatin

Dear Sorely: The Lord tries all of us every day. For instance, yesterday as I cruised in the Cadillac Jesus Bought Me and swayed to the soulful strains of the Bob Jones Interfaith Tabernacle & String Band that poured forth from the stereo, I truly felt in tune with Jesus. But just as I pulled into the Safeway parking lot, a sad, godless bicyclist blocked my path. He yelled at me, gesticulated graphically, hurled invective and rang his pitiful bell in anger. How I earned his malice, I knew not.

My first impulse, I am ashamed to admit, was to drive over this uncouth young man who so rudely interrupted the Lord's Shopping. But before I could act in anger--Hallelujah!--Jesus took the wheel, sounded His Mighty Horn, and piloted us compassionately away from this poor soul, leaving him to ponder the message in our exhaust.

If you hand the wheel to Jesus, He will steer you right every time. You say you've asked His help? Well, ask louder! You say you've opened your heart to His Word? Well, open wider! Don't peer at Jesus through the mail-slot! Don't just crack the door when Jesus comes calling--throw that door wide open! And the back door, too! Knock out the windows! Cut a hole in the roof and let His Love drip down on you!

When the Lord remodeled His Kitchen, he decorated it with many colors: blue sky for the ceiling, green grass for the floor, gilded orange sunsets on the walls, a warm yellow sun overhead, and in the corner, a hot red oven called HELL! When you commit the sin of color pride, of neighbor's kitchen envy, and of shiny appliance covetousness, you are sticking your head RIGHT IN THAT OVEN! Can't you feel the HEAT? Can't you smell the CRACKLINGS of the fools who rushed in before you? Pull your head out of there this minute! Pull it out before SATAN shuts the door and sets the broiler on HIGH!