Rapture Level Orange

Attention sinners: according to Higher Sources, the great Final Judgment is significantly more nigh than previously realized! The Time of Tribulation forces us to make a choice; obey Jesus, or suffer eternally! Therefore, in cooperation with George Bush's Department of Faith-Based Initiatives, this ministry now presents a Tribulation Preparedness Guide for those among us who are still undecided.

UNCONTROLLED VEHICLE THREAT: When Jesus snatches His faithful up into Heaven, heavy machinery of all types will go suddenly pilotless. To tailgate a Christian trucker is especially foolhardy at this time. If you witness a bright flash followed by general swerving, consider pulling over and kneeling in repentant prayer.

LOCUST THREAT: As God's post-Rapture cleanup plan gets underway, expect a horrible swarm of Satanized killer bees to buzz through your neighborhood, smiting with their scorpion stingers all those carrying the Mark of the Beast. When stung, plan on writhing in agony for approximately five months. Sheltering-in-place with plastic sheeting and duct tape may or may not help as a backup plan, may I suggest REPENTANCE?

RIVERS SEARED WITH BLOOD THREAT: Yes, the wine of God's wrath is scheduled to contaminate all earth's waterways, rendering them bitter and unpotable. Now's the time to set aside a seven-year's supply of drinking water. Or, alternately, REPENT!

OTHER THREATS: Famine, poverty, terrorism, darkness, fascism, stinking boils, and animal attacks are just a few of the many, many Tribulation hazards yet to come, so great is God's love for us. The Office of Faith-Based Initiatives has provided this 3-point overall preparedness plan to assist Americans during these End Times:

Step one: REPENT SIN!

Step two: PRAY FOR SALVATION!

Step three: AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS!

Lost? Confused? Ask the Rev. M. Leon Hanson for advice: revhanson@portlandmercury.com