God: He's All the Man You Need

DEAR REVEREND: My husband Harold is a good Christian, but he's also a weak, tiny, indecisive, sniveling little worm. How can I submit to a man whose favorite romantic destination is the library, and who needs my permission to wear argyle socks in public? I need a real man, a strong, big passionate man who's not afraid to slap me when I get out of line. Harold is not that man.

DEAR MRS. BLOODED: I have prayed long and hard for an answer to your most difficult question. I feel your pain, for in my 60-odd years of marriage I too have had doubts. My dear wife Martha, though loving and obedient, is no beauty queen; neither is she zestful in the duty of wifely union. Over the years we have quarreled often, over trivial matters such as her difficulties in the kitchen or my occasional use of mild stimulants. And yes, there have been times through the years when I considered divorce. Often I wondered aloud how it could be God's will that a dynamic, vibrant man such as myself should remain shackled to this uninspiring creature.

True, God wants you to be happy; and true too, God hates wimpiness, though he loves the wimp. But when God put the two of you together, he commanded that no man pull you asunder. God hates divorce! Whether he will forgive you I cannot say, but I can say this: though the road of marriage may be rocky now, around the next corner you may find a relaxing rest stop, or perhaps a charming motel. There, you might pause to let Jesus recharge your batteries of faith or pour cool motor oil upon your hot love engine.

To answer your other question: Jesus Christ is your one-stop source for strong romantic leadership! Therefore, I invite you to join me this Sunday at the Northeast Fellowship of the Bloody Lamb, where I shall deliver Christ's strong, big, passionate faith unto the distressed and frustrated, the lonely and undisciplined alike. Our interfaith fellowship is bound in a great love of God, Jesus, and one another. Let us kneel together in prayer, you and I, that we might together discover God's answer to the question of marital fidelity.

Service starts at 9 am.