[Due to a lack of interest in religious topics, the Mercury has regretfully cancelled Rev. Hanson's tri-weekly column. Sorry!--ed.]

DAMN THEE TO SPICY HOT HELL, PORTLAND MERCURY--and all thy sniggering, secular, fornicating ilk! For thy contemptible cancellation of GOD'S FAVORITE COLUMN, thou shalt be cursed with a pox and blighted with a curse! As thou flushest the message of JESUS like so many unwanted alligators down history's septic bilge, thy last, best hope of salvation slips through thy fingers like sweet butter through the hoof of a craven goat!

THUS SAYETH THE LORD: Yea, I do curse the Portland Mercury and all those who abet thee! Cursed shall be the fruit of thy typing and cursed shall be the fruit of thy editing! Cursed shalt thou be in the city and cursed shalt thou be in the suburbs! The LORD shall make pestilence cleave to the Portland Mercury, yea as odor doth to dung! The LORD shall smite the Portland Mercury with a fever, and with a burning, and with a painful itching in the area that dare not speak its name, and with a blasting, and with mildew, and with the anger of a Christian nation jilted! Thy advertising shall lie fallow, thy newsprint shall smear! Thy "music" reviews shall be heeded only by troglodytes, and gonorrhea shall infect thy Personals!

Oh, how amply thou hast slighted the LORD's humble servant M. Leon Hanson, who never bragged, despite his excellence, and who held all men as brothers, despite their ignorance, lumpishness, or stench. How mightily he proclaimed the love, mercy, and patriotism of the LORD. How lyrically he penned sweet letters of Holy wisdom for this city's most loathsome, pernicious, and ill-bred source of anti-God propaganda and un-Christian lifestyle suggestions. How faithfully he plowed, week after week, the seed of My love into the barren hearts and rocky minds of the confused, perverted, leprous readership of this "newspaper."

OH PORTLAND MERCURY, why hast thou forsaken me? Don't you know the LORD always wins and never forgets? When thou would slight M. Leon Hanson--Personal Friend of Jesus!-- thou invitest doom and damnation upon thyself, thy kith and kin, and the kith of thy kith! Repent this awful mistake! Call back my servant, redouble his pay, and perhaps the LORD will go easy on thee.