Mercury staff Dec 23, 2010 at 4:00 am

The Mercury's Most Annoying Critics Review Selections from Portland's Favorite Holiday Group Art Show


by Sir Charles Myers

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a modest mouse;
The vintage stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Isaac soon would be there;

The children were drinking PBR in their beds,
While visions of fixed-gear feminazis danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
I rested in the loo to take a vegan crap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,
It was meth heads grinding their teeth: Gresham Boyz.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
As the first thing they would come for would be my stash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of a bag of baby powder cut blow,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a giant Prius, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and nicely,
We all "Float On" because it's so timely.
More rapid than eagles his courses they came,
And he pogoed, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Eric! now, Jeremiah! now, Joe and Tom!
Johnny Marr just took a shit on my motherfucking lawn!
To the top of the Rose Quarter! to the top of Mt Tabor!
I am not a poet but a chronic masturbator!"

As Saint Cupcakes before the wild hurricane fly,
At Holocene a pretty girl caught my eye
I approached her and I gave her some Jager
Who knew she'd be pregnant 24 hours later?

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
And smelt a breath that was at least 80 proof
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Isaac came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
In a house of Peta activists, I knew he'd get the boot
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler selling crack on the MAX

His eyes -- how they gleamed! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like Vicodin, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as my coke;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
The marijuana smoke encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of KY jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
He ripped out a fart that almost rendered me dead;

He lisped not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
"Vegan cookies on a plate from Trader Joes!"
He gobbled them all--up the chimney he rose

He sprang to his Prius, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to PDX, have a great fuckin night."
Fuck off pseudo critics.Your just a bunch of emotionally fucked up germs.Light the night fantastic !!!!!! For the KIDS !!!!The Mercury sure loves stirring the shit.Makes me wonder what they would do without all that ad money.MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!
Emptily grinning families?How would you know that you pretentious fuck!!!Thats the smirk on your puss daily Eric.
Dear Portland Mercury Writers, I have been known to criticize others decorating taste in my day, but I feel that you've gone too far with this article. Critiquing a neighborhood's camaraderie as if it's a work of art in the MOMA isn't what the holidays are about. Think of what it must be like to be 7 years old and live in that neighborhood? I bet it's fantastic! Not for the Mercury writers though...when did you become so jaded? This article isn't witty or thought provoking, what is your intention? I sure hope these families don't read this stupid article. Here is a group of people who does something for the greater good, and I wouldn't want their spirits foiled because of a bunch of twenty something know it alls. Merry Christmas Portland Mercury, I hope that 2011 is better for you, it seems like you need some cheer.
This was pretty fuckin gold. Merry Christmas, you beautiful bastards, and Steve Humphrey, too.
You probably laugh every time the Baby Jeezus cries! You SHitlerz!
OK, first of all, I think most of you commenters (Besides Fatboy) are missing the point here. The article is IRONIC. If I have to spell it out for you, and apparently I do: They aren't REALLY being that critical of the art. It's a joke on our own pretentiousness when it comes to art, and it's a pretty good one. Try not jerking your knee so hard the next time you read something like this. You CAN be a Portlander and not be so goddamn sensitive.
As the owner of one of these houses (and thanks for the Piss Christ credit! Who knew?), I actually want to thank the Mercury for a huge belly laugh (and, yes, it was like a bowl full of jelly). We've had many, many articles done on our street, which I love dearly, but none have given me such a chuckle. Lighten up Portland and enjoy - it does us good to laugh at ourselves!
What a ridiculous, tacky & WASTEFUL display this is! Why anyone would want to waste time going to such a garish monstrosity is faaar beyond me. I guess some dummies don't care about sky-high utility bills in January - in addiction to christmas debt. Plus, i seriously doubt any of those lights are "green" or the fact that soo goddamned many of them are on at the same time (?!?) could be any good for the environment.

So much for sustainability...
Um, the subtitle says: The Mercury's MOST annoying critics...i think they did their job in annoying you commenters.
Fer serious, ya'all need to chill out. The Merc's write up was tame and mostly humorous, assuming satire is still funny (and dryly agrees that, by definition, it is).

Of course, if they really wanted to get in the Christmas spirit with the residents/artists of Peacock Lane they could have donned two dozen choir robes and twice as many vuvuzelas and gone Christmas Caroling. Here at ChickenHed Holiday Industries International we know that this isn't a task undertaken lightly, and certainly not by a well respected purveyor of news like the Mercury. So we went Vuvuzela Christmas Caroling for everyone.
It was a tough battle, 2 dozen of our most masterful ironic reinterpreters of the cliche', forgers of new nostalgia.. up against almost 100 years of Christmas lighting tradition. Ultimately, songs were sung, vuvuzelas were played in full glory for our dear baby jeebus, and people laughed with and/or at us. Everybody won.
Turns out that Portland does have a sense of humor. Even about Christmas!
- chickenhed
Yep stirring the shit !!! So fucking cool !! Fuck you and the horse you ride on.I might ad that with a city the size of Portland and an ego as big as the Smircury you only get a wee bit of response from the public.You get so little comments per article your damn near dead.Again....what would you be without add money and your own staff having to jump in and comment.Well....not much but a free ADD RAG.Hire Damosa and go down the shitter completely.Stuper New Year !!!!
Actully, i'd be happy to volunteer my services (not to mention my impeccable writting skills) here as an administrator, & screen some of the more asenine comments that appear in this section.
You already do Damosa.
Yes they did and do Bigsalami,king of the balogna,legend in your hand.Chorizogrande [the employee]they were true as blue in maintaining their true selves.I've been reading this crap a long time.I'm an asshole....just kidding...or am I?[what!No mustard?]
No, you're a five year old, if I had to guess.
Right on Mercury! Since I live nearby Peacock Lane, I always dread this time of year with the Endless traffic, erratic and poor driving on dark narrow neighborhood streets, the endless parade of strangers marching through my neighborhood, the lack of street parking, the noise, and screaming children running into the street all to see a dozen or so house dressed up on one block. I couldn't quite see what the excitement was all about particularly when you could drive down any street and see the same thing in any neighborhood in town. Thank you Mercury for Helping me see the artistic bent that these people have worked so hard to share with all of us.
I commend the Mercury writers for channeling their rage through their own art--writing--at the mindless herd mentality representive of the culture that these displays so painfully remind many of us. I admire their restraint and display of holiday cheer with writing that entertains, yet provides the necessary lesson that we should not blindly accept our cultural values, rather look at them with eyes wide open and see consider their meaning.
sojoourner58 what the fuck are you smoking?Are you fucking one of the staff?

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