WE PUT OUT 52 issues of this stupid rag every year, and what do we get in return? (Besides a paycheck, we mean.) ZILCH! That's why we think we deserve a holiday present from YOU this year—but hey! We're not monsters. We want to make your shopping and gift-giving experience as easy and pleasant as possible, which is why your fave Mercury writers have jotted down a handy, comprehensive list of the coolest gifts from the coolest shops, so you can confidently give us something awesome this year—without receiving a single sneer in return. And okay... we suppose some of these gifts would ALSO be perfect for those snot-nosed, smart-alecky loved ones in your life that aren't us. But get our gift first, okay? Because you love us more.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY'S WISH LIST!

1) Gaudy Western Shirt

FACT: Every man needs a gaudy, baroque, pearl-buttoned western shirt in their wardrobe—and yet? I don't have a single one! That's why I want you to run (don't walk) over to the Portland Outdoor Store for the city's most amazing collection of gorgeous/hilarious hillbilly menswear. The one I want is the deep purple, black-shouldered Rockmount Ranch Wear shirt, lovingly embroidered on the front and rear with rhinestone-accented roses. (But they also come embroidered with electric guitars, if one prefers a rockabilly steez!) Trust me, the minute I'm walking down the street wearing this handsome, eye-catching shirt, the ladies will be yelling, "Yodel-ay-ee-who is that?!?"

Portland Outdoor Store, 304 SW 3rd, $135

2) Tenga Flip Hole

Ask anyone I've dated—I can be a bit of a "challenge" in the bedroom department. I'm one of those guys who likes S-E-X a little too M-U-C-H and when I'm not eating, I'm constantly trying to lure my lovers into the boudoir for another round of boomity-boom-boom. That's why it's in everyone's best interest if you buy me a Tenga Flip Hole from the female (and male!) friendly sex shop She Bop. The Flip Hole may look like some kind of newfangled iPod or the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it's actually a... you know... state-of-the-art <s>male mstrb8r sleeve</s> that will keep horny Humpy happy and humping during those times you (or the person I'm currently have sex with) has to go to work, sleep, or otherwise enjoy their life. Here's how it works: Simply slip your pal inside, and suddenly it's surrounded and caressed by silicone ribs, nubs, gates, flaps, and pumps, all working in harmonious conjunction to ultimately make any man scream "BINGO!" (And, whew, luckily it's also easy to clean.) Naturally, the Flip Hole will never replace actual... you know... ahem, <s>g-nitalia</s>... but it's definitely the next best thing to being (in) there, and never says, "OMIGOD! Again?? I'm trying to eat a sandwich here!"

She Bop, 909 N Beech, sheboptheshop.com, $99

3) Dinosaur Bicycle Bell!

Becauuuuuuuse... who doesn't want a dinosaur bicycle bell?

Bike Gallery, 1001 SW 10th (and five other locations), bikegallery.com, $9.98

4) Deer Antler Straight Razor

What I love about the local men-centric shop Boys' Fort is their winky-nudgy nods to "masculinity." And while there is just waaaay too much to choose from (including hand-crafted fishing/messenger bags, Boy Scout medal coffee cups, enameled camp dishes, and much more), I've narrowed my decision down to one must-have: a deer antler straight razor. Built by local artist (and Rudy's stylist) Michael Spencer, this solid steel razor is the real deal, culled from old-stock beauty supply stores, with an actual deer antler handle shipped in from the wilds of Idaho by Spencer's mom. "Real" men know that nothing shaves like a straight razor, and if I accidentally slice my throat? At least I'll look manly doing it.

Boys' Fort, 600 SW 10th, boysfort.com, $65

5) I Am T-Pain Mic

While I am nationally known as one of the great singer/entertainers of this century—sometimes I just want to phone it in, you know? That's why I would love for you to buy me the I Am T-Pain Mic. A simple push of the button, and BOOM! My ordinarily melodious voice will be "auto-tuned" to sound even better (and more robotic)—just like robot rapper T-Pain! Plus this mic also allows me to lay down "sick beats" and sing to my favorite tracks, which I can then download onto my computer and share with a greedy, insatiable world. That's the I Am T-Pain Mic—for whenever I Am Too Lazy to Sing on Key.

Fred Meyer, 3030 NE Weidler (and various locations), $39.97

ARTS EDITOR ALISON HALLETT'S WISH LIST

1) WalkSafe Umbrella

Having recently embraced my identity as an umbrella-using native Oregonian (we exist!), I'm now on the search for the perfect umbrella. WalkSafe umbrella looks to fit the bill—plus, it's lined with reflective tape, which helps assuage my fears of being hit by a cyclist on the sidewalk. I'll take it in blue, please.

shedrain.com, $28

2) Farts Around the World by August O'Phwinn, Lisa Hanawalt

As arts editor of the Mercury, I am clearly the classiest component of this whole sophomoric enterprise. That being said, August O'Phwinn and Lisa Hanawalt's book about farts is just about the funniest thing ever. Hanawalt is a talented, New York Times-approved cartoonist, and Farts Around the World is a travelogue/fart guide that catalogues the regional qualities of flatulence—and with push-button sound effects. (Of COURSE Swiss farts have an echo!) Look, if you don't think that's hilarious, I can't help you.

Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, $15.95

3) Grayling Fox Web Necklace

Because it can't all be fart jokes. Local jewelry designer Katy Kippen makes vintage-inspired jewelry that's pretty without being frilly. Her Fox Web Necklace is a simple, elegant draped chain that rests flatteringly on the collarbone—perfect for those of us incapable of producing cleavage.

Grayling Jewelry, 107 SE Washington, #135, graylingjewelry.com, $134

4) Mount Tabor Boot Camp

The life of a book critic and theater reviewer is by nature very sedentary. Plus, I really like television. So I spend 95% of my life sitting—and the remaining 5% running up stairs at Mount Tabor while Natalie Wessel yells cheerful but relentless encouragement. Wessel's Mount Tabor Boot Camp introduced me to the idea that I could maybe be a person who exercises—last spring, I ran my first 8K. Her next 10-week, running-oriented course starts in January and promises to prepare even the most couch-bound for the Shamrock Run in the spring.

taborbootcamp.com, $175

5) Gelato

Alder Pastry and Dessert is my favorite place in the entire world. They have gelato flavors like Earl Grey and Szechuan pepper, and vegan sorbets that magically distill the essence of fruits into something that tastes better than fruit—and they always seem to be playing Jens Lekman. With a few days' notice and $30, they'll make you a five-liter batch of any flavor your heart desires. On any given day, my heart is torn between cassis and pistachio—either will do.

Alder Pastry and Dessert, 2448 E Burnside, $30

FOOD EDITOR TONY PEREZ

1) Whippersnapper Oregon Spirit Whiskey

If there's one thing I've learned from watching my father around the holidays, it's that if you express no interest in gift-able hobbies or lifestyles, people eventually give in and buy you something that you'll actually use: booze. So let's skip the awkwardness and all that forced gratitude; I don't trust you to pick out my ties. And at the risk of looking a gift horse in the mouth, I'm especially sweet on Sheridan, Oregon, distiller Ransom's pot-distilled whiskey. It's heavy on Northwest barley, and it has flavors somewhere between a bourbon and an Irish. Your gift will help me smile through everyone else's.

Available at most liquor stores, $29

2) Kone Coffee Filter

Fact of the matter is, I'm just going to drink the coffee until it's gone. So unless you're planning on putting a new stomach lining under my tree, I could really use a good single-cup brewing method. Nothing competes with Coava's steel cone filters. It gives you a smoother cup of coffee than a French press—less sediment—but it doesn't strip the grinds of their oils the way a paper filter will. A phenomenal cup of coffee, and far cheaper than a Slayer.

Coava Roastery, 1300 SE Grand, $50

3) Off the Menu by Marissa Guggiana

Travel guidebooks love to claim they can steer you to all the authentic "local" spots (of course, usually you get through the "back door" and find a bunch of fat, white American tourists like yourself). Marissa Guggiana's new cookbook is written in that spirit, but takes a different approach, showing you what the cooks of all your favorite restaurants eat before you show up for dinner. Portland food-scene groupies might be interested in Nostrana's fettuccine with tuna or Pok Pok's Mama Phat noodles, but for me, the real draw is Paley's Place's cheesy jojos.

Powell's, 1005 W Burnside, powells.com, $28 (signed edition)

4) The Meadow's Foundations Salt Set

Coal isn't technically a mineral (but that hasn't stopped Kentucky from naming it the official mineral of their state). Still, I think it's made a stocking full of most biogeochemical substances taboo. Don't tell that to Portland author Mark Bitterman, whose excellent book Salted changed how I think of the stuff. His store, the Meadow, carries over 100 varietals of salts (along with chocolates, wines, flowers, and other wares that'll make you popular with the ladies). The amount I eat out in my job, and the quality of food I eat in this town, only puts in greater perspective what I lack in the kitchen. A good set of salts might help me feel better about my abilities. This one comes with a 40-ounce bag of their fleur de sel, an eight-ounce jar of flake salt, and an eight-ounce jar of the Noirmoutier.

The Meadow, 3731 N Mississippi, $40

5) Combination Sword/Umbrella

This is both a sword and an umbrella. That's not enough for you? Sigh. Okay...

Weighing only 18 ounces, this sword/umbrella goes from "double locked to unsheathed" in just two seconds, whether the umbrella is open or closed. With a combination sword/umbrella, you can stay dry in the rain, and you can stab stuff. AND it comes with a nylon storage sleeve.

atlantacutlery.com, $59.95

SENIOR EDITOR ERIK HENRIKSEN'S WISH LIST

1) Bone 20th Anniversary Full Color One Volume Edition by Jeff Smith

I read comics. Like, 4,000 comics a day. And one of my favorites—like, desert island favorites—is Jeff Smith's phenomenal adventure Bone. Written and drawn by the ridiculously talented Smith over a 13-year span, every panel is amazing. Everyone who's ever read Bone—man! Woman! Child! Misanthropic Mercury senior editor!—ends up with a grin on their face and joy in their heart. Now the whole, 1,376-page thing has been collected in a slick, full-color, slipcase hardcover. I want this very badly. It is also very expensive. Please buy it for me. I will be glad you did.

Bridge City Comics, 3725 N Mississippi, $150

2) A Helicopter for a Tiny, Tiny Person

Technically it's a "Zhengrun Four-Channel Coaxial RC Helicopter RTF with Built-in Gyro (Blue)." Christ, I have no idea what I just typed. I don't even know what a zhengrun coaxial is. Is it like eczema? But I don't care, because these things are the best invention since real helicopters: They are tiny helicopters that can fit in your pocket, but have little remotes and can fly wherever you want them to! Inside your boss' office! In front of your stupid dog's face! Into cheerleaders' showers! They have a gyroscope in them so they're hard to crash, they charge via USB, and I will let you play with it if you buy it for me. Just for a minute, though.

xheli.com, $35.95

3) A Game of Thrones: The Board Game

First A Game of Thrones was a badass book. Then Game of Thrones was a badass TV show. And now Game of Thrones has reached its evolutionary apex: A GAME. (OF THRONES.) Fantasy Flight Games' A Game of Thrones board game will let me and my dweeby friends battle over the lands of Westeros, and will undoubtedly inspire at least one horrific real-life scenario in which I brutally, shockingly decapitate someone whom I suddenly decide I don't care for. And then maybe have sex with a dragon or something? Yay Game of Thrones!

Guardian Games, 303 SE 3rd, $60

4) Breakfast Burrito with Avocado

Look, if I'm going to give you the present of spending Christmas night at your house (I know I'm an excellent spooner, you're welcome), the absolute least you can do is take me to breakfast the next morning. And Meat Cheese Bread has the best breakfast known to man: A breakfast burrito that takes the usual boring breakfast burrito crap—tortilla, eggs, cheese, salsa, hash browns—and somehow turns it into something that's so, so much more than the sum of its parts. (Especially if you let me add avocado, you cheapskate ingrate.)

Meat Cheese Bread, 1406 SE Stark, $6

5) Salt Lamp

Hippies mumble that salt lamps put negative ions or something into the air. But screw a hippie: Salt lamps look awesome. They're like a rock, but they light up! I could give two shits about ions. Like any man of wealth and taste, I simply want to use rocks to light up my home.

Kuhnhausen's Furniture, 2640 E Burnside, $25-45

MUSIC EDITOR NED LANNAMANN'S WISH LIST

1) Tender Loving Empire's Friends and Friends of Friends, Vol. 4

Gifting me a mixtape is a dicey proposition. I'll cherish a great one forever, but most of the time they're duds that are as unwanted as that old fruitcake collecting dust in the back of the pantry. And just what are you gonna put on it, anyway? Relax: The fine folks at lovely label/boutique Tender Loving Empire have done all the hard work with their latest compilation, the fourth installment of their excellent Friends and Friends of Friends series. The music alone makes this a champion stocking stuffer—with tunes from great local bands like Typhoon, And And And, and TLE honcho Jared Mees—but the packaging, designed by Elaine Fong, folds out into an adorable camping scene.

Tender Loving Empire, 412 SW 10th, $14.99

2) The Cdock

Whether I'm waking up to a shrieking alarm or some static-y radio station playing terrible music, I think it's time to give my ol' clock radio the heave-ho. That's why I'm lusting after the Cdock, which is just about the coolest iPhone accessory I can think of: A wooden docking station that, once you slide the iPhone inside, becomes a phenomenally handsome bedside clock. Conceived and designed by a team of local folks—including Hatched Goods' James Aloysius and Weinland songster Adam Shearer—it'll allow me to start each and every day as God intended, with the alarm of my choosing. (In other words: Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak. Duh.)

thecdock.com, $55-70 (also available at local holiday sales and bazaars)

3) Wheedle's Groove: Seattle's Finest in Funk & Soul, 1965-75

Seattle label Light in the Attic just put out this ultra-limited-edition box set of 10 7-inch singles from the heyday of Seattle's funk and soul scene, as documented in the best music documentary of 2010, Wheedle's Groove. There's plenty of unbelievable, unknown soul in the lavishly deluxe package, plus a 96-page book, a bonus CD, a reproduction of a vintage Seattle SuperSonics trading card, and more. These are already nearly sold out forever, but Music Millennium's got some stashed away, making this the ideal gift for the vinyl fetishist in your life—namely, me. (And while you're at Music Millennium, you might as well score me a DVD of The Ballad of Mott the Hoople, too—the best music documentary of 2011!)

Music Millennium, 3158 E Burnside, $59.99

4) Efterklang, An Island

The stunning performance film that Danish band Efterklang shot on the small island of Als with famed director Vincent Moon has just been released on DVD in an exquisite, numbered, letter-pressed package, courtesy of Stumptown Printers. (That's not the only local connection, either: Portland musicians—and siblings—Peter Broderick and Heather Woods Broderick are in the band.) An Island a striking, gorgeous film with remarkable music, and the DVD comes with a bunch of extra goodies, including a bonus live EP.

Order at anisland.cc, £25 (roughly $40 US; the film is also available as a pay-what-you-want download)

5) Crock's Grok

When a record store takes it upon itself to put out an album, you know it's worthwhile. And that's what Jackpot Records have done with Crock's debut, Grok. The duo of Portlander Sam Coomes (Quasi) and Hella's Spencer Seim, Crock makes far-out, nutzoid psych, making it the perfect antidote to a long month of treacly Christmas music. With cover art from Coomes' bandmate Janet Weiss, it's available on limited-edition neon-green vinyl or CD exclusively through Jackpot.

Jackpot Records, 203 SW 9th & 3574 SE Hawthorne, $9.95 CD, $12.95 LP

NEWS EDITOR DENIS C. THERIAULT

1) Cool It! Decontamination Aid Aerosols

So... I've been covering a LOT of Occupy Portland protests lately. And when the pepper spray starts flying? Sometimes all I really need is something—anything!—to ease the hot, oily sting of my job. That's why this decontamination spray is so nifty. Just one squirt (or five) of Cool It! and suddenly I'm cooler than Fonzie again. Ayyyyyy!

officerstore.com, $9.22-18.76

2) Rebel Voices: An IWW Anthology

Yes, it takes moxie to show up on the riot lines with a vinegar-soaked bandana and a pithy sign. But it takes brains to know why you're out there. The story of the Wobblies—the Industrial Workers of the World—should serve as a reminder that people have been getting their heads bashed in on behalf of the 99 percent since before your grandparents were born.

St. Johns Booksellers, 8622 N Lombard, $27.95

3) A Haircut at the Parlour

Protests, of course, don't happen every day. Sometimes the job sends me to some rather genteel places, like Portland City Hall. And going native with the one percent ain't cheap. Luckily, a good haircut can make up for a lot—which is why I turn my lovely locks over to the stylists at the Parlour in St. Johns. They can work it so I look good anywhere. On a march. At city council. Or even on a certain TV quiz show. Ahem.

The Parlour, 7327 N Charleston, $30 for guys, $40-50 for dolls

4) Pakajak

What's the only thing better than a good waterproof jacket? A waterproof jacket that also folds into a snug, light six-inch pouch that you can stuff into your pocket if you really needed to. That's the magic of Endura's aptly named Pakajak. For someone who pedals downtown every day from St. Johns, it's a lifesaver. In fact, I'll probably be wearing it next fall, when I bump off my boss, Wm. Steven Humphrey, as the Mercury's reigning bike commute challenge champ.

Weir's Cyclery, 8247 N Lombard, $64.95-109.95

5) Enjoy St. Johns! Apparel

Let corporate subversion occupy your chest! St. Johns' charmingly retro men's clothier—the aptly named Man's Shop—sells perhaps the most awesome example of neighborhood swag in all of Portland: T-shirts and hoodies emblazoned with the words "Enjoy St. Johns," in the fussy script of a Coke ad. Take that, Coca-Cola, you union-busting peddler of sugary poison! Who needs Adbusters to stick it to the man? Not me!

The Man's Shop, 8511 N Lombard, $15 for T-shirts, $28 for hoodies

REPORTER SARAH MIRK'S WISH LIST

1) Sexy Bike Boys of Portland Calendar

Um, 12 local dudes shed their layers, grab their bikes, and pose for a calendar to raise money for charity? That could stuff some stockings, if you know what I mean. But really, the reason I love this brand-new calendar and could use three (one for my house, one for my office, one for my bedroom) is that it's full of good-looking do-gooders being hilarious (100 percent of the proceeds go to a clean water nonprofit). Rather than just flexing their pecs and kissing their biceps, the calendar crew is healthy-looking guys who are clearly having a helluva time posing with sharp knives, tire swings, Ramones albums, and other Portland essentials.

At Pedalfresh.com or at Cránk Bicycles, 2725 SE Ash, $15

2) Little Package Wool Earflap Hat

Bike hats! I can never have too many. Because I will inevitably lose mine, then cry about it, and then feel dumb for crying. But for the brief time where I am a bike hat owner, the world is wonderful, my ears are warm, and I look a little bit like Sherlock Holmes. Caroline Paquette does custom wool and cotton caps in all sorts of colors, some with adorable earflaps and all with brims to keep off the rain. The wool ones are perfect for winter.

At various craft sales in December or online at little-package.com, $18 & up

3) Papelote Notebook and Fancy Pens

Hand-Eye Supply is the perfect antidote whenever I have money burning a hole in my pocket. It's a supply store for Portland's makers, builders, and doers, and their array of products mix practicality with a perfect parcel of prettiness. Take these Papelote notebooks, just in from a Czech designer. The white pages are so soft, so luscious. Its elastic band pencil-holder is adorable and the color is right up my alley (my alley is called: "As Bright as Possible"). Think of all the genius things I could write, if I only had that perfect notebook! Throw in the set of Coptic pens and oh! The genius would roll right out.

Hand-Eye Supply, 23 NW 4th, notebook $20, pens $6.75

4) History Ephemera

Say "vintage store" and I think "dusty old chairs priced at $100." But Ampersand on NE Alberta is a very particular, very wonderful vintage store that is the very perfect place to buy small gifts for a history buff like me. The store collects retro postcards, pamphlets, books, drawings, and photos with an eye for their visual elements and graphic design—so, basically, the store is chockfull of drawers stuffed with swoon-worthy history treasure like old Portland postcards, maps of the Seattle World's Fair, and classic '50s slide-rule manuals. Spend a few minutes digging and you'll strike gold.

Ampersand, 2916 NE Alberta, prices range from $1 for postcards to several hundred dollars for rare finds

5) Community Cycling Center Bike Repair Class

No gift is greater than the pride that comes with changing one's own flat tire. A couple winters ago, I took the women's-only bike repair intro course from the Community Cycling Center—a biking nonprofit focused on low-income and minority folks—and it was a thrill to get my hands dirty figuring out how my brakes, chain, and wheels actually work. But there are more classes and more to learn! The chance to spend another winter in the company of the CCC's awesome, patient teachers and full gamut of bike tools? Be still my heart.

Community Cycling Center, 1700 NE Alberta, $160

FASHION EDITOR/MANAGING EDITOR MARJORIE SKINNER

1) Juju Papers' After Chinterwink in Charcoal and Coquelicot on Cream

This is wallpaper, and I'm a renter, so while I'd love to cover my walls with this hand-printed-to-order covering, that day will have to wait. Nonetheless, I contend that a single piece of the print, made by Avery Thatcher, whose small company Juju Papers is based in Portland, would make an excellent wall hanging. Brilliant minds think alike, and Giovanna Parolari of Una—which, along with Woonwinkel, is a retail destination through which you can place orders—just began offering 27" x 36" poster versions.

Una, 2802 SE Ankeny; Woonwinkel, 935 SW Washington, $75

2) Draught Dry Goods Permanent Vacation Crew

It's only fitting that an American classic should be made in America, and moreover in the spirit of American craftsmanship. Portland's Draught Dry Goods is Caesy Oney's one-man operation, and while he built his house on leather and canvas bags and accessories, he's beginning to foray into the world of wearables. Printed by local institution Tender Loving Empire with artwork by Craig Wheat, I would wear this just slightly oversized, boyfriend style, until it got holes, and then I'd wear it some more.

draughtdrygoods.com, $100

3) OLO Fragrance & Nice Work Make Deux

A limited-edition (bath)room spray from some of Portland's local treasures, OLO Fragrance and the forthcoming online home-goods store Nice Work, "Deux" is a winking, pun-tastic reference to, you know... number two. With a super fresh pine and cedar scent, this isn't some gross aerosol from the grocery store; it's a small-batch formulation from 100 percent natural essential oils and distilled water. I do not believe I've ever owned a bathroom spray in my life, nor did I ever dream I would be so delighted by one—cue gut-churning memories of the citrus spray in office bathrooms—but I love the scent, and the idea of guests discovering this in my bathroom.

In limited supply at this weekend's Portland Bazaar (portlandbazaar.com) as well as Frances May, 1013 SW Washington, and Palace, 828 SE 34th, $30

4) Assorted Class Packages of Bikram Yoga

When there's enough daylight, my preferred workout is running on the city's many scenic routes. I love the fresh air, the cardio, the people watching, and the fact that it costs no more than the occasional replacement of running shoes. But when it's still dark when I wake up and dark when I leave work, I turn to the heated confines of the Bikram studio. For meditation, a challenging workout, and a reminder of what hot feels like, there's no better bet—but especially in the season of higher heating bills, it is markedly less free, and there's no better gift than health and fitness.

Bikram Yoga Greater Portland, 7070 SE 16th, $29 and up

5) Wolford Individual 10 Back-Seam Tights

I can be tough to buy clothing for, but Wolford tights are always a good bet. They're some of the strongest I've ever worn, and each pair has lasted for years (especially since I quit smoking, cigarette burns being one thing they cannot withstand). Nubby textures and plain black are great standbys, but I'm feeling the return of the sexy back seam for the new year.

Lille Boutique, 1007 E Burnside, $50

COPY CHIEF COURTNEY FERGUSON'S WISH LIST

1) On Writing by Stephen King

Have you been to the horror section of Powell's lately? There's two floor-to-ceiling bookshelves jam-packed with books from Stephen King's nearly 40-year-long career. The man is a machine. That's why I want his memoir On Writing. It's full of his trademark style and colorful bon mots, but I hear it's also full of practical writerly advice, childhood memories, and inspiration from a man who has it in spades. It would make me very happy-crappy indeed to see this under my tree.

Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, $16

2) Rose City Rollers 2012 Season Pass

I want my 2012 to be full of saucily clad roller-skating ladies. I want to see bone-rattling hits and home-team victories. What say you, Santa? Wanna hook a roller derby fan up? The Rose City Rollers, Portland's roller derby league, is offering a holiday discount on 2012 season passes to their games, which includes all regular season bouts and a handful of free games throughout the year (they also throw in a T-shirt and an invite to the end-of-the-season shindig). I'd be pleased as punch to get this in my fishnet stocking.

Rose City Rollers, rosecityrollers.com, $210

3) Backpack for Soggy Days

I totally can't make up my mind about this—for years now, I've been on the prowl for a rain-resistant backpack that doesn't make me feel like an oversized elementary school kid. But I'm at a crossroads: Should you buy me a wine-colored Herschel Supply canvas survey backpack that's adorable, but maybe not ideal for lugging around a laptop? Or perhaps a khaki-colored technical backpack from Osprey? It may lack the simplicity of a Herschel, but it's damned nice, water resistant, with a much-desired low profile to avoid an umbrella's runoff. (Yes, I use an umbrella. What? I walk a lot.) Maybe you should get me both? I could wear one on my back and one on my front like a paranoid American in Europe.

Compound, 107 NW 5th, Herschel Supply Backpack, $70, compoundgallery.com; US Outdoor Store, 219 SW Broadway, Osprey Flap Jack Pack, $79.95, usoutdoor.com

4) Stitch 'n Bitch Superstar Knitting

If I didn't know how to knit, I'd be doing a lot more wintertime damage to my liver. There's a reason little old ladies like to snuggle up on their couch with their 10 favorite cats, drinking red wine and knitting elaborate pompoms and sweaters. It's delightful, that's why. So please help my efforts to stave off surly drunkenness and buy me wünderknit Debbie Stoller's guide to advanced knitting, Stitch 'n Bitch Superstar Knitting. It has awesome patterns and easy instructions on how to do fancy things with string. What a small price to pay to keep a couch warm in this dark, dreary season.

Twisted, 2310 NE Broadway, $17.95, twistedpdx.com

5) Roller Skates

I'm all kinds of terrible when it comes to roller skating, and I'd really like to learn how to skate backward with the best of 'em, but the rentals at Oaks Park give me blisters and one can't help but be skeeved out by the sheer number of stranger-feet that have sweated foot juice in their murky interiors. Solution: My own brand-new pair of skates from the shop at Oaks Park. I don't need anything fancy, just a pair of Sure-Grip GT-50s that'll get me past the initial stages of falling on my ass like a total chump. Ooooh, I'm going to be as fast and graceful as the wind. Or just be a much fancier heap on the wooden rink floor.

Oaks Park Roller Rink, 7805 SE Oaks Park, $122.50

Please ship all presents (with the receipts in case we decide we don't like it) to the editor in question, c/o Portland Mercury, 115 SW Ash, Suite 600, Portland, OR 97204. Thank you in advance, and happy holidays.