Not having the internet at home, I get utterly (and unproductively) consumed in the glory that is the World Wide Web when I get the chance—and as the Mercury's newest intern, now I get all the chances in the world! Of course, the best thing about the internet is once you leave the safety of e-mail or a respectable news/entertainment source (a-hem), it becomes a labyrinth of lost time. I couldn't tell you how I came to discover these things, but I became quickly and completely obsessed with my findings.

1) Clocky the Robotic Alarm

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Clocky is the brainchild of an engineering student. The beauty in this alarm is that once it goes off, it then proceeds to leap off your night stand or whathaveyou, then rolls about your floor making unexpected turns as it roams the room (carpet and hardwood compatible). This whole time Clocky is still making noise, forcing its owner to then get out of bed, hunt it down and turn it off. To better understand how awful a way this would be to wake up, click here. I wake up everyday to something gallivanting about making obnoxious noise too; but in my case it's a rabid squirrel on my uninsulated roof, and unlike Clocky I don't get to choose what time this horrid creature will ruin my REM.

p.s. It's between $50 and $60. I'm sorry what? I truly wonder what this engineering student is doing now.

2) Singing Valentines from Pride of Portland Chorus

Ever since I saw Beaches, the 1988 hit chick-flick staring Bette Midler, I have been harboring the desire to send and/or receive a singing telegram (Remember, she dressed up as a scary giant rabbit? "Happy Birthday Bunny Boy!" ...wait, what?). This may become a reality for me if I'm financially stable enough to cough up the $35+ (only $10 for a singing phone call) in time for the Big Day. A quartet will sing to your honey (I'd still take one person dressed as a Donnie Darkoesque bunny over four people in perfect harmony) and you can even pay extra to have them bring roses. The performances will ensue on Friday the 13th (scary bunny?) and Saturday the 14th.

3e5c/1233963868-mv5bmtc2mzcyodczmf5bml5banbnxkftztywmjk1mzy2._v1._sx485_sy326_.jpg Mrs. Midler herself with John Heard, the man to whom she sang while in costume...the other chick stole him right from underneath her big nose.

4b94/1233963898-donniedarkobunny.jpg Couldn't find a picture of Bette in Bunny form. She must be ashamed. Compare with plain Bette.

Meanwhile, and I'm just putting this out there, if any of our readers want to fulfill my telegram fantasy...I won't object. I'm here on Fridays.

Over and out.