Along Came a Spider
Along Came a Spider is a prequel to Kiss the Girls. Morgan Freeman plays Dr. Alex Cross, a detective who deals with the most psychotic white men in America. Though Kiss the Girls is the better of the two thrillers, I still enjoyed Along Came a Spider because Morgan Freeman is Morgan Freeman. Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, 82nd Avenue, Movies on TV, Washington Square Center

Angel Eyes
I've been robbed! This ain't no eerie psycho drama thriller movie! It's a freakin' love story! So don't pay any mind to the trailer, cuz what you see is what you DON'T get. Here's what I don't get: why falsely market Jennifer Lopez? What's with the cover up? The plot: A beautiful, troubled police officer (Lopez) falls for a man with a mysterious past. Except that it's not mysterious at all, he's just got problems like the rest of us. Although this movie packs the power of Velveeta cheese, Jenny doesn't disappoint. Just another example of J.Lo's ability to turn chicken shit into something more appealing than chicken shit. (Quinn Viladas) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Tigard-Joy Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

* Asunder
Calling all honkies, the Kennedy School is presenting its down-with-the-brothers weekend with a special appearance from producer of this flick, Tim Reid! Who's that, you may ask? None other than Venus Flytrap himself! (Reid will attend a special screening on Saturday at 8 pm; those tickets are $15, but it is worth every soul-filled moment.) A strong narrative about what happens when one man loses his wife in a horrid accident and then tries to re-build his life by stepping in-between the marriage of his best friend and his wife. Blair Underwood's ("LA Law") puts the film into overdrive. (Phil Busse) Kennedy School Theatre

* Before Night Falls
The real-life story of Cuban writer Reynaldo Arenas, from his childhood in Cuba, to joining Fidel Castro's revolutionaries, to later being persecuted for homosexuality. A politcal film which centers on one man's loneliness. Laurelhurst

* Best of the NW Film & Video Fest
The Northwest Film Center picks the best of the best of short flicks from last November's film and video festival. Expect ten short works that run the gamut from the experimental to the animated. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

* Blow
Blow is Hollywood all the way to the bank. But despite all its predictability--a young man (Johnny Depp) rises to the top of the international drug trade and then falls to the bottom of the prison system--its portrayal of Mexicans, Central Americans, and middle America is unexpectedly sympathetic. Lloyd Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza

Bridget Jones's Diary
Bridget Jones is a cow. She desires a boyfriend, so she sets her sights on the office cad (Hugh Grant), and then moans when he dumps her. Why do we keep coming back to these romantic comedies? Is it that we secretly hope the Jerk will change into a Good Guy so we can justify our bad choices in life? Is the office cad actually a misunderstood prince? Does this ever happen in real life? Fuck no. And I've got a long line of sisters who can back me up on that: the very same sisters who'll be standing next to me in the ticket line when the next romantic comedy comes along. (Kathleen Wilson) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Koin Center, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

The Brothers
The Brothers is a coming-of-age comedy/drama about four successful young black men coming to terms with commitment and adult relationships--a sort of Waiting to Exhale for men. I'm a brother myself. And I learned on BET the other night that although the average life expectancy in America is 80 years, the life expectancy of a black man in America is 57 years. So if I do the math right, whereas this movie is two hours of insignificance in Whitey's run time, it's damn near three hours of Black time disappeared from my life. I will, however, vindicate this film, if only because seeing four black men in the same place at the same time is such a novelty in the Northwest. (Kudzai Mudede) Kennedy School Theatre, Mission Theater

* Caddyshack
Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Rodney Dangerfield star in this searing docu-drama of class subterfuge, and animal (groundhog) rights. Laurelhurst Theater

* Calle 54
There is very little to compare the Buena Vista Social Club with Calle 54, although that's the first impulse since both films document the unsung history of Cuban music. In Calle 54, however, the past and present of Latin jazz are celebrated naturalistically, with consecutive performances by 13 jazz masters, filmed simply. Such faith in the subject matter left very little need for talk in this film--the musicians aren't forced into mythologizing themselves. Director Fernando Trueba displays a beautiful concern for humility in Calle 54. His narration is spare, so he never gets overentangled in his subject. Though the film slips from unstable black and white into full, shocking color, the filmmaking remains reverent and observational, allowing for all the movie's rhythms to be born of the music. Tito Puente, Bebo Valdés and his son Chucho, Jerry Gonzàlez, Eliane Elías--all give mesmerizing performances. (Paula Gilovich) Koin Center

The Center of the World
Richard (Peter Sarsgaard), an Internet millionaire, hires Florence (Molly Parker), a stripper, to accompany him for a weekend in Las Vegas "to get to know you better," he says. She scoffs, but agrees, adding the following conditions: no talk about feelings, no kissing on the mouth, no penetration, separate rooms, and all contact shall be confined to between the hours of 10 pm and 2 am. What ensues is a bold, graphic, often hard-to-watch examination of what passes for love among the ruins of prosperity. Cinema 21, Clinton Street Theatre

* The Charm Bracelet
The Charm Bracelet, Portland's community-positive, experimental film night, busts it microcinema-like at the old Stumptown Coffee. Since their last showing there was so packed they had to screen everything twice, they've wisely put together shows at 8 AND 9:15 pm this time. Tonight, see Lyn Elliot, Laura Klein, Karen Rodriguez, Thorsten Fleisch (the German guy with the blood from the last CB), Greg Wick, Brad Adkins (Charm Bracelet's organizer, who'll be showing his documentary about local artist John Ryczek), Miceala O Herihly, and the funniest man in the universe/ most creative artist in town, Portland's own slide-show master Beau Van Hinklywinkle. (At the later show, also check out Zak Riles, who'll be musically scoring his own films). Some of the previous filmmakers have won Ann Arbor, Olympia, and MADCAT film fest awards, but don't let that deter you--the Charm Bracelet rarely has everything everyone will like, but always has something everyone will like. Or something like that. Submit your own stuff by contacting www.charmbracelet.org. Stumptown Coffee Roasters

Chocolat
Today I'm not weak. The film critic in me has control over my emotions; it can and will repress my wolflike desire to fill this review with hungry words that praise the celestial beauty of Juliette Binoche. That said, the movie itself is unremarkable, and has absolutely nothing new to offer. (Charles Mudede) Koin Center, Milwaukie 3 Theater

* The Claim
Michael Winterbottom adapts Thomas Hardy's The Mayor of Casterbridge (guy "sells" wife and child, the evil deed haunts him). I haven't liked Winterbottom's previous work, including his version of Hardy's Jude the Obscure, but I loved The Claim. Winterbottom sets the story in the Gold Rush, with the gigantic Canadian Rockies overplaying the part of the merely big-shouldered Sierra Nevada. Wes Bentley is beautiful, Milla Jovovich is strong, Michael Nyman's score saws away dramatically in the background, Joanne Hansen's costume design makes everyone look better than real, and the hush in which Winterbottom requires almost all the lines to be delivered as a useful equivalent to Hardy's literary airs. High-toned hooey, extremely enjoyable. (Barley Blair) Fox Tower 10

Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles
Crocodile Dundee winds up in LA, gets in a couple of pickles, gets out, and goes home. Nobody gets hurt, nobody dies. If you paid money to see it you won't feel cheated, because one would only pay to see this if they were seeking dependable entertainment. Cinema 99, Hilltop, Mt. Hood Theater , Oak Grove 8 Theater, Wilsonville

* Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Legendary warrior Chow Yun Fat can never declare his love for fellow martial-arts expert Michelle Yeoh. Instead, he entrusts her with Green Destiny, his nearly magical sword. But in the dark of night a hooded thief steals it, which leads to a fight held mostly in midair. An attempt to wed emotionally reticent drama with the exhilarating freedom of Hong Kong-genre filmmaking, but director Ang Lee can't quite pull off the combination; for too long a time, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's shifting gears only jam. The film finds its rhythm and earns the accolades it received once it leaves the stars behind and gives its heart over to the young and engaging Zhang Ziyi, as the aristocratic daughter of privilege who opts instead for the dangerous yet thrilling occupation of thief. (Bruce Reid) City Center 12, Koin Center, Washington Square Center

Driven
A race car movie guilty of tantalizing, but not satisfying the prurient interest. With Sylvester Stallone AND Burt Reynolds. Cinema 99, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

Enemy at the Gates
This film by Jean-Jacques Annaud (Seven Years in Tibet) tells a story of two men in love with the same woman, set against a backdrop of international conflict. The action scenes are great, concentrating mostly on a game of wits and nerves between Vassily and an opposing sniper, a German aristocrat (Ed Harris) called in to squelch the popular Vassily. The only trouble is, the alternating love story sequences are utterly boring. (D.K. Holm) Avalon, Laurelhurst Theater

* Enter the Dragon
It's a known fact that the British can't do anything on their own. That's why they recruited Bruce Lee to bust a den of opium smugglers, and open up a can of chop-socky whup-ass! Fifth Avenue Cinemas

An Evening with Matt McCormick
Filmmaker Matt McCormick will present his film, The Subconscious Art of Graffiti Removal. Locally made, this film posits a very clear, interesting thesis: by covering up graffiti, people are actually creating a whole artistic movement, without even knowing they're doing it. The film makes a very interesting, well-structured argument, and it also looks very cool with eerie, numbing music and elegantly simple photography. The only problem, however, is that it all fits together a little too well, oversimplifing the issue and sounding, literally, like someone's college thesis. But if you can make it past this barrier, it's worth it. (Katia Dunn) Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Exit Wounds
Exit Wounds tells the story of how Steven Seagal, with the help of rapper DMX, cleans up a corrupt police precinct-one bad cop, and one unattended jelly donut at a time. Steven Seagal has had a tough time in recent years with his rampant pot belly and poor box office performances. He's lost a bit of weight for this one, though; he's healthier, younger looking, his flexibility is once again bordering upon functional, and there is a lot of chemistry between he and his onscreen partner. Unfortunately for DMX, however, the chemistry between Steven Seagal and any actor will always result in the organic compound that I like to refer to as shit, and really that's no fun to watch at all. (Kudzai Mudede) Avalon

* Festival of Portland Animation
Hot-shit animators from Will Vinton and Flying Rhinoceros team up for this jam-packed fest of the best in local animation. Clinton Street Theatre

Finding Forrester
A kid from the Bronx excels at both basketball and composition, befriends a hermit writer, undergoes a crisis from which the writer must extract him; thereby helping the writer overcome his own reclusive, blah blah blah. (Barley Blair) Edgefield Powerstation

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai
When he was young, Ghost Dog (Forest Whitaker) was saved from a group of street thugs by Louie (John Tormey), a low-level Mafioso who just happened to be passing by. In thanks, Ghost Dog pledged to serve Louie for the rest of his life, as faithful to him as any ancient samurai was to his master. Director Jim Jarmusch infuses Ghost Dog with the deadpan humor of his earliest films. (Charles Mudede) Mission Theater

* The Gleaners and I
Director Agnes Varda, while somewhat underappreciated among her contemporaries, still stands as one of the great film artists to come out of the French New Wave. The Gleaners and I is a short, often humorous, and always intelligent meditation on the people in society that forage for their goods in others refuse. See review this issue. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

The Golden Bowl
The Golden Bowl is, in part, a drama of manners, and Merchant Ivory's production moves neatly upon the joints and hinges of a repressed society. But the filmmakers seem to think that a well-appointed costume drama with the weight of Henry James behind it doesn't need any creative help to succeed, so the neatness is plodding. People enter rooms, whisper to one another, make out passionately behind closed doors while holding lit candles, and glare portentously at photographs--but the movie remains too damp to make a spark. Fox Tower 10

* Himalaya
Himalaya is a groundbreaking, genuine portrait of the Dolpo region of Nepal. The story revolves around Tinle, an old chief who loses his eldest son. What follows is a mesmerizing adventure that evokes the forces of ancestral strife and nature at its most treacherous. Says director Eric Valli: "This film is a love story, a love story between this place, these people, and me. It's very simple." (Kudzai Mudede) Fox Tower 10

* The House of Mirth
British director Terence Davies' The House of Mirth, starring Gillian Anderson and Dan Aykroyd, adapts Edith Wharton's 1905 novel about New York high society--the tragic story of a beautiful young woman looking to marry a rich husband. Consequently, she finds herself torn between her need for financial security and her desire for personal integrity. Koin Center

* In the Mood for Love
Tired of Meg Ryan damsel-in-distress love stories? Directed by Wong Kar-wai (Fallen Angels), an achingly beautiful film about two neighbors in 1960 Hong Kong whose spouses are having affairs with each other. Like cinematic Kara sutra, the scenes unfold slowly but with mesmerizing charm. In spite of their smoldering lust for each other, the two jilted spouses try to refrain from falling into the same trap of lust and betrayal as their spouses have. In one simultaneously yin-funny and painful-yang scene, the two act out scenarios in which they imagine their own spouses carrying on with their affair and mocking them behind their backs. (Phil Busse) Laurelhurst Theater

Joe Dirt
David Spade plays a radio DJ searching for his white trash parents. Kid Rock is in this movie. You're not going to see it, are you? Didn't think so. Vancouver Plaza

A Knight's Tale
Closer in spirit to the video game Joust than to the Chaucer book from which it takes its name, this Heath Ledger vehicle makes ample use of '70s anthem rock and other anachronisms to create a really long, boring teenager movie. Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Hilltop, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Tigard-Joy Theater, Vancouver Plaza, Westgate, Wilsonville

* The Luzhin Defence
I can think of no filmmaker (with the possible exception of the Brothers Quay) who could successfully transfer The Defense--Vladimir Nabokov's third and most cerebral Russian novel--from text into moving, speaking images. So how was the Dutch director Marleen Gorris able to make a decent film out of Nabokov's least cinematic book? By not making a film about the book. The movie is about eternal love, the book is about the limits of art. The book ends with a suicide; the movie does not. The movie is focused on the body of a woman, the book rarely leaves the mind of a madman. Those who love Nabokov's novels and are outraged when filmmakers fail to capture the master's intellectual essence on film, must do their best to avoid this film. But those who want to watch an atmospheric film about love, sunlight, and beautiful Italian lakes will not be disappointed. (Charles Mudede) Fox Tower 10

* Memento
Memento has a lot of starch in it; the film sticks with you for days as you rehearse it over and over in your mind. It's also a movie so good that you almost fear a critical backlash against it. You come out of it feeling almost resentful at how good it is, and given that almost everyone is an aspiring filmmaker these days, this resentment is unvarnished jealousy. But this reviewer is pure of spirit, or at least spite: I may have seen a better film so far this year than Memento, but if I have, I've forgotten it. (D.K. Holm) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas

The Mexican
This movie was never meant to be a singular entity: It feels like two movies that have been forcefully welded together. The first of these movies is The Mexican; it features Brad Pitt, an antique gun, and the mob. It's vaguely interesting and Brad Pitt is very handsome. Secondly, there is what I will call National Lampoon's Seventh Circle of Hell, it stars Julia Roberts, a green V.W., and a sensitive hitman. It is a disgrace and Julia Roberts' performance is criminal. (Kudzai Mudede) Avalon, Bagdad Theater

The Mummy Returns
The first 30 minutes of this film are excruciating; the rest is better, thanks mostly to the appearance of John Hannah, but writer/director Stephen Sommers gets trumped by a ceaseless parade of god-awful digital effects. Digital mummy, digital scarabs, digital scorpions, digital armies, digital waterfall, digital river, digital drigible... even the city of London is digital. 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Tigard-Joy Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

* O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Set in Depression-era Mississippi, George Clooney stars as Everett Ulysses McGill, a suave and well-groomed petty criminal doing hard time on a chain gang. Shackled to Pete (John Turturro) and Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson), he convinces them to join him in escaping by promising to split a fortune in buried treasure with them. (Andy Spletzer) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Fox Tower 10, Moreland Theater

* Once Upon A Time When We're Colored
Tim "Venus Flytrap" Reid's directorial debut. At times, a bit heavy-handed with nostalgia, the film slouches towards a Jim Crow Disney sentimentality, but otherwise is a legit and powerful story about a boy growing up in 1950s Mississippi without parents but with plenty of bigotry and poverty to keep him down. (Phil Busse) Kennedy School Theatre

One Night at McCool's
In the pursuit of material possessions, Liv Tyler, playing an irresistible woman (duh) exploits her curvaceous anatomy in order to lasso the men she meets (Andrew Dice Clay, Matt Dillon, Michael Douglas, etc.) into becoming the accomplices in her illegal schemes. This movie soon escalates into a riot of contrivances that unexpectedly sparkle and undulate like an overweight Tuesday in New Orleans. (Suzy Lafferty) Laurelhurst Theater

Pearl Harbor
Judging from the trailer, this is a film about the racial superiority of whites, the intrinsic evil of the Japanese, and Levi's Jeans. But I hear Pearl Harbor is in Hawaii, and that's pretty nice. See review this issue. 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Tigard-Joy Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Pollock
Another attempt from the film industry to mine the romantic lie of Bohemian life. This is actor Ed Harris' directorial debut (he also stars), and seems too hurried to establish the iconic events of painter Jackson Pollock's life--see Pollock urinate in Peggy Guggenheim's fireplace, see Pollock overturn the Thanksgiving table, see Pollock accidentally discover drip painting--instead of letting any of these moments achieve any natural resolution. Cinemagic

Save the Last Dance
Finally! A multi-racial Dirty Dancing! A midwestern honky moves to the big city, and hooks up with a smooth talking brutha from the South Side. Are we all clear on this? Great. EVERYBODY DANCE! Mt. Hood Theater

Shrek
With fart and poop jokes aplenty, this computer animation flick is like a little boy's dream come true. Mike Myers puts on his Irish accent as the misunderstood Ogre Shrek, and Eddie Murphy ceaselessly yaks as his over-zealous, donkey sidekick. The most horrible actress in the world, Cameron Diaz, succeeds in making her character an inflamed, bloody ear sore that one would rather see squished than find true love and happiness. I found this movie kinda cute, but pretty annoying, while my boyfriend was doubled over in hysterics. Dads, take your sons, but be prepared for a lot of tooting and snickering afterwards. (Katie Shimer) Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Tigard-Joy Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Someone Like You
If cuteness becomes a commodity, Ashley Judd will become an enormous, publicly-traded, multinational corporation. Please think twice before you go see this film. Bagdad Theater, Edgefield Powerstation

Startup.com
Two entrepreneurs start up an internet company, and then are forced to watch it crash and burn. Sorry, folks. It ain't pets.com. Cinema 21

* State and Main
Alec Baldwin, William H. Macy, Sarah Jessica Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and David Paymer descend on a small Vermont town to make a movie, bringing their sophisticated mores with them. The town end is held down by Charles Durning, Clark Gregg, Ricky Jay, Patti LuPone, Matt Malloy, Rebecca Pidgeon, and Julia Stiles... Do you begin to see a problem here? The cast is as fixedly big-city as a traffic jam. Though to tell you the truth, I was laughing too hard to worry about small inaccuracies. David Mamet has said that he was thinking of Preston Sturges when he put this film together, and it's a worthy successor to the Master. (Barley Blair) Laurelhurst Theater

The Tailor of Panama
Brit superspy Andy Oxnard (Pierce Brosnan) has been banished to Panama for overindulging his appetites. He sizes up the tense, complicated international scene at the Canal and finds himself a hapless ex-pat British tailor (Geoffrey Rush) to squeeze for information. Boorman's film is far too awkward and self-conscious to allow the audience to sink into spy fantasia; as a result, Brosnan's absurdly dashing spy becomes utterly grotesque, even sickening. (Evan Sult) City Center 12, Koin Center, Washington Square Center

* Three Kings
In its efforts to be a comedy and a drama, as well as an action movie, Three Kings actually pulls it off, despite an occasional misstep. You laugh while you're in the theater, curse the US as you leave, then relax in your La-Z-Boy once you get home. (Bradley Steinbacher) Fifth Avenue Cinemas

Traffic
What with Hollywood throwing Oscars at director Steven Soderbergh, this film is perhaps the most over-hyped film of the year. By now, unless you've been hiding up Richard Gere's butt, you know the scoop: With jumpy camera movements and "edgy" editing, the film braids together three loosely connected stories about the--gasp--drug war. What you may not have heard, though, is that one of these three stories is about as challenging as an after-school special, and another a blatant Miami Vice rip-off. The only truly lasting quality of the film is Benicio Del Toro, whose unflinching performance explores the conflicts between loyalty and self-preservation. (Phil Busse) Avalon, Kennedy School Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Mission Theater

* Usual Suspects
Benicio gives out tons of rim jobs on acid in this film. Ha, ha. Just joking. Laurelhurst Theater

* With a Friend Like Harry
This Hitchcockian thriller took France by storm last year, winning several Cesar awards (France's version of the Oscar). The blackest hue of comedy tints the tale of Harry (Sergi Lopez), a wealthy bon vivant with an unshakable affinity for Michel (Laurent Lucas). Harry, firm in his belief that Michel's child-strewn, moneyless life could be made more easy, begins to use his influence--and cash--to remove various obstacles to Michel's happiness. A new car here and a case of Champagne there escalates to a predictably absurd degree. The film is plain in comparison to its obvious inspiration, Hitchcock's oeuvre. But a deft French wit, and that oh-so-well-done trick of Euro-allegory (this film is about the difficulty of making art) rise like cream to the top of this film: The first taste is awfully sweet, even if it doesn't linger long. (Jamie Hook) Fox Tower 10

* You Can Count on Me
This is the sort of well-crafted, nutritious drama that gets critics burned out on adrenalized hoopla all tied up in knots. It's fine work, featuring Laura Linney's best performance since Congo (or maybe even before) as a single mom in the quaint burg of Scottsville. Her pothead drifter of a brother, also well played by Mark Ruffalo, shows up, spurring an eventual, earnest realization of the importance of family. Matthew Broderick has an amusing role as Linney's new boss, who says things like "I like paperwork." The latest product of the Culkin Family Factory Farm for Cuteness, Rory, plays the precocious eight-year-old. Playwright Kenneth Lonergan has, for his first film, created a movie for grown-ups that hardly ever surprises, but somehow that's Okay. (Marc Mohan) Cinemagic