Unisexuals Unite!

Not gay, but fearful of heterosexual interaction? Then you might want to try unisex films! Unisex films feature all-male or all-female casts, but avoid addressing gay-specific themes. That's right, they're homosexual without being homoerotic! What could be cooler?! With unisex films, you'll never have to worry about sexual tension again. They're sexual tension free!

• The Women (1939, George Cukor)--Okay, so there's a little sexual tension here, but that's just because Norma Shearer is GORGEOUS in this dated, but charming, golden oldie about women obsessed with the men in their lives. 163 different actresses appear to talk about men ad nauseum, and none hold a candle to Shearer as Mary Haynes, who gets cheated on by her husband and then takes two years to recover from it. Worth watching just to hear her crow the words, "I've had two years to grow claws, Mother... jungle red!"

• John Carpenter's The Thing (1982)--Kurt Russell's all-male group of burly arctic researchers battle a parasite alien that has a nasty habit of turning the people it inhabits into disgusting gobs of goo. Some nifty gore effects to be found here, as well as some classic bits of Carpenterian dialogue, including: "I don't know what it is, but it's weird and pissed off!"

• Lord of the Flies (1963, Peter Brook)--The child actors here are better than the ones in the awful 1990 remake that stars Balthazar Getty, and the use of black and white adds an element of creepiness, but the film still ends up being only sort of cool. This is because the William Golding book that it's based on, about a plane full of British schoolboys that crashes on a mysterious tropical island, has a terrifying poetic power that can't be recreated on screen. If you have not read it, do NOT see this movie first. Curse you for even conceiving of such a notion. JUSTIN SANDERS