Thursday, August 298:00 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDSThe favorite award show for 13-year-old boys (who'll be watching to see if Lil' Kim's boob will be hanging out).9:00 TNN BARFLY--Movie(1987) Mickey Rourke does his best Popeye impersonation in this loving and hilarious ode to drunken debauchery.

Friday, August 309:00 AMC ZIGGY STARDUST AND THE SPIDERS FROM MARSDavid Bowie gets androgynous in this 1973 documentary featuring 17 of his hit songs.10:00 TLC TEEN SPECIESAn in-depth look at how fucking nuts teens can be. This episode: Raging hormones.

Saturday, August 319:00 COM SOUTH PARK MARATHONMultiple episodes including Big Gay Al, Jesus, and an answer to the eternal question, "If I stick food up my ass, will I crap out of my mouth?"9:00 USA LONE WOLF MCQUADE--Movie(1983) Chuck Norris tames the Wild West with guns, karate, and monster trucks! Yeeeee-HAW!!

Sunday, September 18:30 TNN OBLIVIOUSA video rental clerk, gas station manager, and salon shampooer answer questions to win money--without realizing they're on TV.9:00 ABC ALIASSydney and the gang have to pull Will's fat out of the fire! (By the way, new episodes start September 29!)

Monday, September 29:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASMLarry cuts the hair off a doll belonging to the daughter of an ABC executive, yet still finds time to accidentally trip Shaq during a Laker's game.

Tuesday, September 38:00 TLC WHEN FUN TURNS TO FEARA skydiver falls into power lines, a circus elephant goes on a rampage, and... crap! Another busted condom!!9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOLIt's down to the final two contestants, and to everyone who didn't vote for Tamyra--thanks a pantload for making me look like a JACKASS!!!

Wednesday, September 410:30 MTV REAL WORLD PREVIEW SPECIALA new cast of sociopaths are chosen to live for six months (and lose their asses at the craps table) in Las Vegas.