9:00 CBS CSI One of the CSI team dies in a bank heist. WHOOPEE!!!

10:00 NBC ER Carter and Kovac get caught between two warring factions while practicing medicine in the Congo. Is it just me, or is this show turning into M*A*S*H?

8:00 WB CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKE SHOW Look-alikes disguised as Ben and J.Lo and Britney and Justin try to fool the public (which is impossible, unless they're buried face-deep in cocaine).

8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY An arousing behind-the-boobs peek at the lusty lifeguards of Baywatch.

1:00 A&E MODELS: THE REAL SKINNY This reality special follows four NYC models and their bulimic rise to fame.

7:00 SCI THE ROAD WARRIOR--Movie In this violent futuristic classic from George Miller, Max graduates from being "mad" to "really freaking annoyed."

8:30 FOX THE SIMPSONS Season Finale! After rescuing Maggie, Moe decides to move in and drive the family to the brink of insanity.

9:00 CBS HITLER: THE RISE OF EVIL Robert Carlyle stars in this classic story of "boy loves Poland, boy invades Poland, boy loses Poland."

9:00 NBC MARTHA INC.--Movie (2003) Cybill Shepherd plays Martha Stewart, domestic terrorist (I mean, goddess!).

8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Series Finale! Buffy leads the Scoobs and Angel into the Hellmouth for one last fight against rubber monsters.

9:00 WB SMALLVILLE Season Finale! Clark is instructed to leave Smallville and take over the world (happily for us, he's too busy smooching Lana!).

9:00 FOX 24 Season Finale! It may be the final hour, but there's still time for Kim to get kidnapped one more time.

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL Season Finale! The votes are in and the new American Idol will be chosen. (Is anybody really idolizing Kelly Clarkson yet? Didn't think so.)

8:00 UPN ENTERPRISE Season Finale! After alien terrorists blast Earth, the Enterprise crew vows to put an end to their "weapons of mass destruction." Hmmm... that sounds familiar....

For I am... HOTDOGGIO! steve@thestranger.com