THURSDAY, JAN 29 9:00 FOX SURVIVAL TEST: DANGEROUS ANIMAL ENCOUNTERS Real people see if they can survive attacks from bears, bees, and mean wiener dogs. (Hey! Don't laugh! One of 'em bit the shit out of me!)
9:00 MSNBC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE The remaining Democratic candidates take out their claws for a good, old-fashioned catfight.
FRIDAY, JAN 30 8:00 FOX TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOR Nude mechanical bull-riding? Why... that's out-RAGEOUS!
9:00 WB GROUNDED FOR LIFE While enjoying a porn movie, Sean and Claudia are shocked when they notice it was shot in their own house.
SATURDAY, JAN 31 8:00 CMTV THE LONGEST YARD--Movie (1974) Burt Reynolds leads a team of football playing cons who enjoy hitting the guards in the nuts.
8:00 DSC DOG SHOW It's the AKC Eukanuba National Championship where 3,000 mutts get their undercarriage massaged by judges.
SUNDAY, FEB 1 3:00 CBS SUPER BOWL XXXVIII The Carolina Panthers take on the New England Patriots, to the mirth of millions of obese, beer-guzzling Americans.
7:00 CBS SURVIVOR: ALL-STARS Past Survivor stars return to win a million bucks (plus, it beats the Atkins Diet).
MONDAY, FEB 2 9:00 FOX MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS FIANCE Randi's fat boyfriend continues to terrorize her family. Where's the Dept. of Homeland Security when you need 'em?!?
9:00 CNBC DENNIS MILLER Comedian-turned-Republican Dennis Miller returns to make more unintelligible oblique jokes.
TUESDAY, FEB 3 8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL The finalists arrive in Hollywood--which means the reason for watching this show (embarrassing auditions) is OVER.
9:00 FOX 24 Nina tries to convince Ramon that Jack isn't who he claims to be. Goddammit, that bitch ruins everything!
WEDNESDAY, FEB 4 9:00 WB ANGEL Cordelia awakes from her coma, only to find out she's been fired from the show.
10:00 FX TODD TV Another humiliating reality program where a poor schlub is taped 24 hours a day... whoopee!!