The movies coming this fall SUCK! Prepare to be dragged to a bunch of lameass, talky chick-flicks with your girlfriend--who will then try to trap you into expressing your feelings. But hold on--there's still hope.

Birth (October)--Nicole Kidman finds her reincarnated husband... in a little boy's body! But before you get creeped out, it's every 10-year-old's dream to pork Nicole Kidman! Props to you, little bro!

Seed of Chucky (November)--Chucky's back, and he's bonin' the real-life Jennifer Tilly! Let's get this straight: She won't return our calls, but she'll get it on with a toy?! (And not the "good" kind of toy, either!)

National Treasure (November)--Looks like Nicolas Cage finally smashed Captain Corelli's Mandolin and is goin' back to kick some ass--Con Air style! Welcome back, Nick!

Closer (December)--The ads might make it look like a sensitive drama, but keep in mind these three words: Natalie Portman stripping. Say it with us: Oh, Hell Yeah!

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (November)--A talky, pudgy, single Englishwoman wonders why she can't find love. (Shout out the all-too-obvious answer in the theater, and be prepared to run from all the talky, pudgy single American women! Or, if you prefer, go ahead and slash your wrists.)