[Editor's Note: When it came time to decide what the Portland Mercury Users' Group Yahoo! Group would do with the film section, it was easy: Send them to see Jamie Kennedy in Son of the Mask, the sequel to the 1994 Jim Carrey vehicle The Mask. In PMUGYG's tried and true iChat style, we present their pained review. The complete transcript is at http://www.urbanhonking.com/cinemascope.]

j_john: dude!

jessicapdx23: dood

jessicapdx23: so j_john, how did you enjoy spending your saturday morning waiting in line in the rain to see son of the mask?

j_john: people should be paid to do that sort of thing--people like erik henriksen

jessicapdx23: this was worse than the masters of the universe movie

j_john: good things:

j_john: glad it was under 90 minutes

j_john: norse mythology is cool

j_john: i like the color green

j_john: uhhh...that's about it

jessicapdx23: they seemed to think that when the baby and the dog were under the influence of the mask they could treat them like cartoon characters, in terms of violence

jessicapdx23: which was honestly both stupid and disturbing

jessicapdx23: getting hit over the head with an anvil or whatever only works in cartoon world

j_john: well there was that whole, "don't let the baby watch tv" part

jessicapdx23: oh yeah, that was redeeming

jessicapdx23: unfortunately, letting your kids watch son of the mask rots their brain too

jessicapdx23: so it's kind of a wash

j_john: i was trying to hear the moments when the parents would laugh

j_john: it was mostly when someone would get kicked in the balls

jessicapdx23: we have to do an inventory

jessicapdx23: two? three? getting hit in the crotch jokes

jessicapdx23: two fart jokes and one poop joke

jessicapdx23: i liked that alan cumming was kind of gay in this. with his little twinkly smile, and his lip gloss, and lots of eye makeup

jessicapdx23: i mean, i know he's gay, but they made him pretty gay in the movie

j_john: subversive

jessicapdx23: that's what it was all about when they were asking the kid to choose

jessicapdx23: "do you want to be a homo? or do you want to come home to your NICE NORMAL HETEROSEXUAL FAMILY?!"

j_john: i was kind of wondering how they would wrap it up when the wife came home

jessicapdx23: "oh, weird, my husband has a strange rubber green face, and this spiky haired freak has kidnapped my child? I guess the best way to deal with this is to let my baby decide if he likes Alan Cumming or...uh...Jamie Kennedy better."

jessicapdx23: so, since no one who reads the mercury is going to see this movie, what do we want to leave them with?

jessicapdx23: sitting at home and staring at the wall is more fun than this movie

jessicapdx23: so is getting food poisoning at applebee's

jessicapdx23: also eating glass

jessicapdx23: and macrame

j_john: if you're a guy, just punch yourself in the nuts--it'll make everyone laugh and you're prolly too inept to have kids anyway