THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20

8:00 UPN EVERYONE HATES CHRIS
The poop hits the fan when that fat bastard Fat Mike steals Chris' bike.

8:00 WB SMALLVILLE
Forget Aquaman—this episode also features Buffy's James Marsters as Brainiac!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21

8:30 FOX MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE
Hal catches Dewey smoking cigarettes, and makes him star in one of those really annoying "Truth" commercials.

10:00 MTV MADONNA: SECRET
A behind-the-scenes documentary about Madonna's 2004 tour. What's the big secret? Metamucil!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22

4:30 FOX WORLD SERIES
Can we please get this stupid series over with so we can get back to watchable TV? THANK YOU.

11:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
This week's guest: the great actress Rosie O'Donnell. I guess the great actor Carrot Top was busy.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23

NOON FX PRISON BREAK MARATHON
Catch up on all six episodes of America's favorite jailbird drama.

9:00 PBS MASTERPIECE THEATRE
Hot Limey Rupert Everett plays master sleuth Sherlock Holmes in "The Case of the Silk Stocking."

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:30 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
How does this crappy show keep ending up on everybody's "Best New Show" list? Am I nuts? (Don't answer that.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25

8:00 ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN
After experimenting with unknown hallucinogenics, Linus is found nude and screaming in the pumpkin patch.

9:00 WB SUPERNATURAL
Sam and Dean go after the classic lovers lane urban myth—the "Hook Man."

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26

9:00 UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica has a crap attack when a mysterious figure from her past returns.

10:00 ABC INVASION
Russell attempts to catch one of the aliens that poked his bottom.