THURSDAY, MAY 18

9:00 FOX THE O.C.

Season Finale! Ryan's trailer-trash mom shows up for graduation! Très embarrassment!

9:00 NBC WILL & GRACE

Series Finale! Will and Grace decide whether or not they'll ever see each other again. Here, let me help: DON'T!

FRIDAY, MAY 19

8:00 CBS DR. PHIL: ESCAPING DANGER

Dr. Phil teaches victims how to escape danger with his chameleon-like talent of looking like a pear.

9:30 MTV2 WONDER SHOWZEN

Season Finale! Trust me—this episode of the world's most offensive kids' show will be extra offensive!

SATURDAY, MAY 20

8:30 FOX COPS

It's the 650th episode of Cops! (Crap! Since I missed the last 649, I won't know what's going on!)

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by Superman Returns' Kevin Spacey and the singer who should've never returned, Nelly Furtado.

SUNDAY, MAY 21

9:00 NBC 10.5: APOCALYPSE—Movie

(2006) A rash of deadly earthquakes attack a cast of TV wash-ups (including Dean Cain and Melissa Sue Anderson).

9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Season Finale! Susan moves into a trailer, and... oh, come on. Nobody watches this show anymore.

MONDAY, MAY 22

8:00 FOX 24

Season Finale! Jack has two hours to stop the terrorists so he can finally go to the bathroom.

9:00 ABC ALIAS

Series Finale! Sydney turns in her resignation, and hangs up her underwear.

TUESDAY, MAY 23

9:00 FOX HOUSE

Season Finale! A disgruntled patient shoots Dr. House—and his insurance won't cover it because "being an asshole" was "a pre-existing condition."

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Season Finale! Tonight, another Idol will be crowned, and then escorted to the unemployment line.

9:00 ABC LOST

Season Finale! It's the two-hour finale, and Jack and Sayid hatch a sufficiently stupid plan to rescue Walt!