GRINDHOUSE FILM FESTIVAL

All films play at the Hollywood Theatre. For more info, go to grindhousefilmfest.com.

DEMONS

A bunch of moviegoers turn into demons/zombies in this 1985 Italian horror flick—good thing there's a samurai sword in the theater's lobby.

DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE

Donald Kohler (Dan Grimaldi) is a man who's been abused by his mother—so when she dies, he turns into a misogynistic killer, burning women alive with a flamethrower. Then he goes even crazier, thinking that the scorched corpses are playing tricks on him. It's a truly disturbing tale of how one's own mind can become seriously fucked the hell up. (Christine S. Blystone)

MANIAC

This low-budget slashfest is, essentially, a retelling of Psycho, updated for late-'70s Manhattan. Joe Spinell (who also wrote the screenplay) plays Frank Zito, a pock-marked, socially awkward goombah who murders young women for their scalps, which he uses to dress up mannequins to replace his deceased prostitute mother. Recommended if you like your gore mixed with terrible acting, inane dialogue, and plot holes big enough to drive Spinell's gigantic head through. (Scott Moore) Director in attendance.

SHAW BROTHERS OLD SCHOOL KUNG FU ASS KICK-A-THON

We don't want plot and backstory and love in our kung fu movies. We want fighting. No downtime. No bullshit. This program is our savior, then, collecting a ton of fight sequences from a ton of kung fu movies and only using the most mind-blowing footage. By the end, you kind of get lost in the blur of flying sidekicks and light-stepping acrobatics, but I will tell you one thing: At least three times during this film, I stood up and yelled to my friends, "I FUCKING LOVE ACTION MOVIES!" Maybe that makes me an un-evolved, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. I'm willing to take that chance. (Adam Gnade)

SHOGUN ASSASSIN

An adorable toddler and his masterless samurai pop go out for vengeance against the corrupt shogunate. Features heart-warming father/son bonding and enough severed limbs to fill a dump truck. (Erik Henriksen)

THEY CALL HER ONE EYE

Farmgirl Frigga (Christina Lindberg) gets abused by a creepy old man, then goes mute, then gets abducted, then a pimp hooks her on heroin before jamming an X-Acto knife into her eye (YEEECCH!), then she's forced to have gross sex with customers. But then junked-up Frigga goes after everyone who's wronged her! The Swedish They Call Her One Eye is cheap and scummy—but you'll have a great time, provided you can get past the weird hardcore porn sequences and the film's naggy hypocrisy. (So we're rooting for Frigga since she's being so cruelly exploited... even though They Call Her One Eye is shamelessly exploitative?) Turns out them Swedes know what they're doing when it comes to dirty revenge flicks—who'd have guessed? (Erik Henriksen)

APPALACHIAN FILMS WEEKEND
I saw this PBS special a month or two ago in which these dumb Appalachian hillbillies were complaining about being called "hillbillies." But they were hillbillies. Just goes to show you how dumb hillbillies are! Anyway: If you're a hillbilly, then slam down yer moonshine, grab yer sis 'n' yer banjo, and take a look-see at these hillbilly movies, courtesy of the Portland Old Time Music Gathering. Films screen on Friday and Saturday at Pacific Crest School Auditorium; see Movie Times on pg. 47 for showtimes, or just ask Cletus down yonder for more info. (Erik Henriksen)

BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
See review this issue.

DEATH OF A PRESIDENT
A British mockumentary that imagines a future assassination of America's not-so-beloved commander-in-chief. The idea of Bush being assassinated is fascinating—but instead of exploring this idea, Death of a President turns into a lame Law & Order episode, focusing more on who killed Bush rather than what a dead Bush would mean for America and the world. (Erik Henriksen)

DRIVING LESSONS
See review this issue.

THE FILMS OF BARBARA STERNBERG (1979-2005)
Three films by the Canadian experimental filmmaker. Eschewing years of technology, even Sternberg's later work favors a vintage smudginess, which though somewhat irksome, contributes to the pervasively dreamlike effect her style has. On the surface, much of her work seems pretty wanky, a parade of seemingly unrelated footage made cohesive primarily by way of the accompanying music. I have a hard time tolerating an indecipherable intent; in this case, however, Sternberg's effect is mood more than message, one that's quite pleasantly slipped into with the help of a joint, or whatever your poison. (Marjorie Skinner)

FLUSHED AWAY
See review this issue.

ICI ET AILLEURUS
Godard's Marxist meditation on footage of Palestinian resistance fighters that his friend shot in 1970. Narrated by Bob Uecker.

MARIE ANTOINETTE
Sofia Coppola's rose-tinted Marie Antoinette is a story of teenage euphoria, a study of naiveté, and a tragedy of manners and history. And whether or not it's accurate, it has beauty, verve, and spirit. Too bad the second act is boring as hell, and too bad that talentless hag Kirsten Dunst is in it. (Erik Henriksen)

THE QUEEN
In this exploration of the queen's apparently heartless reaction during the week following Princess Diana's death in 1997, Mirren plays Her Royal Highness, Elizabeth II, with just enough respect without fawning the role to pieces. And she's surprisingly sexy. God save the queen! (Matt Davis, who is British)

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
In his 2002 memoir Running with Scissors, Augusten Burroughs chronicled his wildly fucked-up childhood living in the home of his pillhead mother's shrink. Running is content to rest on its "Aren't these characters ka-razy?" premise, and director Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck) can't decide whether to play it for high drama, sheer slapstick, or as an extended music video for his AM Gold eight-track collection. (Chas Bowie)

THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE
Jesus goddamn Christ, it's another Tim Allen shitfest. And as if Tim Allen wasn't bad enough, here he co-stars with that goddamn Martin Short. Here's how eagerly we're anticipating SC3: "I would rather eat my own legs than watch those fucking coke-snuffles pie-wits in The Santa Clause 3." (Adam Gnade) "I would rather throw my puppy into a wood chipper than watch those washed-up old fucks in The Santa Clause 3." (Amy Jenniges) "I would rather punch myself in the vagina than see those dipshits suck each other off in The Santa Clause 3." (Christine S. Blystone) "I would rather have sex with Salma Hayek than watch the new Tim Allen movie." (Chas Bowie)

SHORTBUS
The obvious advantage to John Cameron Mitchell's film is that many people will see it, and continue to talk about it, because of the sex. Frustrated by what he interpreted as a "lack of respect" toward sex in American cinema, Mitchell has filmed graphic, well-lit, actual sex scenes, but avoided creating pornography. But even at its warmest, Shortbus is oddly standoffish—just as its take on sex is to think about it too hard, paralyzing it from the waist down. (Marjorie Skinner)

TALES OF THE RAT FINK
See review this issue.

TIME TO LEAVE
See review this issue.