Thanks for nothing, 2006. Cinematically speaking, you were nothing but a big fucking disappointment. Let's take a look at the shit you unloaded: RV. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. BloodRayne. Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Oh, and The Celestine Prophecy, you piece of shit. God, 2006, I'm so over you. I'm already on to 2007.
Live Free or Die Hard (July 4)—Question: What's cooler than Bruce Willis blowing the shit out of terrorists? TRICK QUESTION! Nothing! KA-BAM!
Spider-Man 3 (May 4)—Even with that kid from That '70s Show as the bad guy, Sam Raimi promises to deliver another solid installment of the fun, heartfelt mega-franchise.
Ratatouille (June 29)—Pixar's latest features the voice talent of the hilarious Patton Oswalt. And if nothing else, it has to be better than The Simpsons Movie (July 27), which, hopefully, will be the final wheezing gasp from that once hilarious, now useless franchise.
Transformers (July 4) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (March 23)—It's like I'm 12! All over again! (Next up: puberty!)
Southland Tales (Release date to be determined)—Richard Kelly, of Donnie Darko, has tapped Seann William Scott, The Rock, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer to star in his second film—a post-apocalyptic comedy/musical/thriller. Wait... what? This'll either be great or a huge disaster—and either way, it's going to be fascinating to watch.
The Good German (Release date to be determined)—The brilliant Steven Soderbergh goes old school (like, black and white old school) with this smart, sharp thriller.
Black Snake Moan (February 23)—Craig Brewer, the director of the great Hustle & Flow, returns—with Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci in tow.
Grind House (April 6)—Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino team up for a lowbrow double feature. Um... yes.
Pan's Labyrinth (January 19) and Children of Men (January 5)—Okay, so maybe 2006 wasn't completely useless—technically, both of these visionary, mesmerizing films were made in 2006. But since they aren't hitting Portland until January, 2007 remains the real victor. Yeah! Fuck you again, 2006!
