THURSDAY, MAY 8

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Liz may be pregnant, Jack hates his new job and there's only one person who can save them both: Matthew Broderick.

10:00 ABC LOST

Locke finds Jacob's cabin, but is disturbed to discover it's decorated in "country kitsch."

FRIDAY, MAY 9

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Starbuck faces an insurrection after flying around in circles looking for Earth. (I hate back-spaceship drivers!)

SATURDAY, MAY 10

8:30 USA RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK—Movie

(1981) An archeologist beats the crap out of Nazis and may be a sadomasochist. (He carries a whip, doesn't he?)

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Shia LaBeouf hosts—or as I like to call him, "THE LABEOUF!"

SUNDAY, MAY 11

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR

Season finale! This show is so forgettable it's astonishing anyone remembers to rescue the castaways.

9:00 DIS THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE

(2003) Oh, crap... Hilary Duff, I can't stay mad at you!

MONDAY, MAY 12

8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

That trampy little b-word Georgina tricks Serena into falling back into some very nasty habits.

8:00 NBC AMERICAN GLADIATORS

Season premiere! Gladiators is back, which also means the return of my fave TV character, Wolf! Ahh-ROOOOOO!

TUESDAY, MAY 13

8:00 CW BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

Season finale! The least geekiest geek and the least dumbest blonde team is chosen.

9:00 CW REAPER

When the same souls keep escaping from Hell, it's up to Sam to plug a very disgusting hole.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Season finale! The final two contestants face off on the runway for the catfight of the century! Meee-OW!

10:30 COM LEWIS BLACK'S ROOT OF ALL EVIL

In which the age-old question is finally answered: Which is more evil—beer or weed?