THURSDAY, JULY 31

9:00 DSC MYSTERIES OF THE SHARK COAST

Discovery's "Shark Week" continues with an ass-biting exploration into ass-biting sharks.

10:30 COM REALITY BITES BACK

Michael Ian Black's all-comedian reality show parodies fat-burning contests with The Biggest Chubby.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1

9:00 HIST JURASSIC FIGHT CLUB

Scientists discover the remains of terrifying cannibalistic dinosaurs—and bring them back to life. (I wish.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2

8:00 FOX COPS

Season finale! It's a very special "pull over" episode. (Note to readers: Never, ever drive without a shirt. Please.)

8:00 USA 16 BLOCKS—Movie

(2006) An entertaining crime caper as washed-up cop Bruce Willis protects wise-ass witness Mos Def.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Paul throws a party and, as we all know, there ain't no party like an early '60s misogynist drunko party!

10:00 E! PAM: GIRL ON THE LOOSE

Debut! Finally! Pamela Anderson has her own reality show!! (Okay, you can go back to clipping your toenails.)

MONDAY, AUGUST 4

9:00 VH1 I WANT TO WORK FOR DIDDY

Debut! As proof of a capsizing economy, people actually compete to become Sean "H.R. Puff 'n' Diddy" Comb's assistant.

9:00 BBCA TOP GEAR

Jeremy drives a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow into a swimming pool... to test if it floats?

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5

9:00 ABC I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW

Season finale! The Japanese only have two more hours to completely humiliate three Americans. CAN THEY DO IT?

10:00 DSC SMASH LAB

Season premiere! The lab rats devise a set of air bags for the exterior of a car, then shove it off a cliff.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6

9:00 BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY

The contestants must design sportswear for... speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno! EEEEEE!

10:00 SPIKE REAL VICE COPS UNCUT

Debut! Behind the scenes with actual uncircumcised vice cops. Wait... maybe I read that wrong.