Dear Craigslist: Now about that "friend with benefits" I mentioned in the title… here are my requirements.

1) He/she must look like Justin Timberlake/Mila Kunis.
2) Like JT/MK he/she must be emotionally damaged/unavailable.
3) Must like doing chest bumps dressed in underpants.
4) Must have "wacky" (or real-life Scientologist) mom.
5) Must have unconvincingly gay friend like Woody Harrelson.
6) Must engage in off-site sexual shenanigans!
7) Must eventually realize that he/she is madly in love with me.
8) Must eventually realize that all Hollywood cliches do come true! (They do come true... right?)