So Portland homeslice Gus Van Sant gave an interview to Movieline about his new film Restless, James Franco, cinematic sensibilities, and zzzzzzzzz—it's all really boring. UNTIL! The interviewer wisely asks Van Sant why he decided to throw his hat into the ring to direct Twilight: Breaking Dawn. What follows is that section of the interview, what Gus Van Sant says, and most importantly, my translation of what Gus Van Sant REALLY means.

So I have to ask: Were you really in the running last year to direct Breaking Dawn?
I think I was in the running, yeah. But I didn’t make it. [Translation: FUCK!! FUCK!!! FUCK THOSE FUCKING FUCKHEAD FUCKS!!]

Did you want to make it?
Yeah! Yeah. I tried. I went into a meeting. [Translation: Does a Catholic bear shit in the woods and wear a Pope hat? OF COURSE I wanted to make it... are you insane??]

What interested you about it?
Because it was this really big pop extravaganza. Then I thought it would be interesting to try and go in there and direct one. [Translation: Taylor Lautner's nipples. Of course, there's his abs as well... but mostly the nipples.]

Because of the environment and culture around it?
Yeah. [Translation: Nipples.]

Creatively, though, what’s the upside?
I think you could probably make it interesting. But I’m not sure, if I’d done it, what it would look like. It might have become similar to the others. I’m sure it would have in some ways. [Translation: The upside is nipples.]

What was your impression of those other films, and what did you think you’d bring to Twilight that would elevate it?
Well, they were really different, those films. I think I saw all three. The first one was Catherine Hardwicke; it was very… malleable. It had all these different things about it. But then the second one was different. And then I saw three, and that was different. So I realized that in the style you directed it, you could make it into something that was your own. [Translation: The first one had Taylor Lautner with his shirt off, exposing his nipples—a lot. The second one didn't have as much Taylor Lautner nipple time, and the third one had even less. In Breaking Dawn, I'd get rid of the Bella/Edward/Jacob triangle, and make it a triangle between Taylor Lautner's abs, his left nipple, and his right nipple.]

What about the actors? You have a history of developing great creative relationships with younger actors. What do you think you might have brought to Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart or Taylor Lautner?
I don’t know. I don’t know. [Translation: Nipples, nipples, nippy-nippy nipples.]