MOTHER'S DAY is from the same people who punished us with New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. It's packaged as a thank-you card to moms, which makes me wonder: Good god, how much do Hollywood people hate their moms?

Like those other holiday-based movies, Mother's Day is a large ensemble "comedy" of intertwined stories surrounding a hyper-sentimental day. This one stars Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson as Ultimate White Moms who always wear exercise apparel, as well Jason Sudeikis, who must have owed somebody a large cash favor, and Julia Roberts, who, sporting a bright-red mom bob, has pretty much just turned into a sentient acorn with teeth. Mother's Day's smooshed-together stories are all boring and forgettable, except for the racist one, which is memorable for being racist.

Mother's Day's thesis can be boiled down to: "So you're a mom? Here's some dogshit. We're watching. If you complain, we'll destroy you." I'm pregnant with my own first kid, and my baby kicked extra hard during the part when Sudeikis rapped "The Humpty Dance" with lyrics about moms. I think it was her way of apologizing for making me part of such an apparently reviled and pandered-to demographic. Like a little fetal version of saying, "YOU DESERVE BETTER." No shit, baby. I agree.

And heads up! Late in the movie, a side character drops this ominous line: "Watch out, dads—Father's Day is just around the corner!" If the male version of this movie is filled with appropriately kind humor and useful things like tools and gardening equipment, I am going to be fucking pissed.

Mother's Day, the holiday, is on May 8. Mother's Day, the garbage film, opens this weekend. You've got a week to get your asses in gear and buy your mothers real presents so you don't have to take her to this. I don't know your mom, but I bet she deserves better.