ADVANCE MOVIE SCREENINGS often feature crappy free swag. When I arrived at the advance screening of Me Before You, I was urged to take a free box of tissues emblazoned with an image from this film.

"Will I need these?" I asked.

"OH YES," they promised.

I took my free Kleenex. I cry at cat food commercials. I was fucking READY.

But then: nothing. It did not rain on my face. My cheeks were California-levels-of-drought dry. What the hell, Me Before You? If you're not a sob-inducing romance, what even are you?

This film stars Finnick Odair (Sam Claflin) and Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke); Finnick is a suicidal quadriplegic, and the mother of dragons is his chatty-as-fuck caretaker. In fact, Finnick's mom hired her because she thought being around this weirdo will make him want to die less? Um, NO. At first they're like "WAHH WE DON'T GET ALONG" but then they're like "WELL BUT YOU'RE HOT" so they fall in love, despite bickering and both of them being awful. I hate the trope of a sensitive woman breaking down the walls of an asshole dude. Hate. It. Why does he get to abuse her gentle, albeit annoying, spirit? THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC. Kleenex fail, Hollywood. Negative 10 hankies.

What I did like was watching Emilia Clarke out of her Khaleesi wig. And Sam Claflin is hot so it was nice of the filmmakers to show off his ripped abs even though his character can't really move and definitely can't exercise regularly. Also: Neville Longbottom, Mr. Bates, Doctor Who's latest companion Clara, and motherfuckin' Tywin Lannister, acting against type as a very loving father. All of 'em talk about tea and go to castles and shit. I like when the English give us stupid Americans exactly the hyper-English garbage we love. It almost charmed me out of forgetting how not-tear-jerking and pointless Me Before You is. Thankfully, I've got this unopened commemorative Kleenex box to remind me forever.

Elinor Jones