Look, I wasn't expecting great things from Zookeeper, the new movie starring Kevin "It's Funny Because He's Fat" James alongside a bunch of talking animals. I figured it would be a family-friendly comedy with a sweet streak, a hokey, predictable, comfort-food wisp of a movie about James wooing the girl of his dreams with the help of his animal buddies. I assumed there would be some groan-worthy puns, James would get hit in the nuts a few times, and somebody—the slimy ex-boyfriend, most likely, or perhaps the evil developer who wants to evilly turn the zoo into, like, an evil animal crackers factory or something—would land face-first in a pile of poop. Instead, Zookeeper is a movie fit only for young, soft-brained children whose development you are intentionally trying to arrest. To make matters worse: There's no nutshot. by Ned Lannamann