Rascally Confederate soldier John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) finds a magical cave and gets teleported to Mars. There, the planet's warring races—some of them are green, CG, and have four arms, while the rest of them look like they stepped out of 1980's Flash Gordon—zoom around in airships and squabble over a crappy planet that looks like Utah. It's not that there are too many moving parts in John Carter, it's that all of the parts are bland gibberish. by Erik Henriksen