THURSDAY 3/27

YOB, LUDICRA, AMBER ASYLUM, FALL OF THE BASTARDS
(Satyricon, 125 NW 6th)
Even though Amber Asylum's associations with the metal/goth world are numerous (they've played back-up for Neurosis, Swans, and Today is the Day), you can't deny what they truly are: an amazingly talented ensemble of chamber musicians, playing their own dark classical compositions on drums and stringed instruments. Led by Kris Force, the quartet certainly plays into the cemetery sounds of weeping, haunted violin and cello--but so does Gyorgy Kurtag, so it's a travesty they aren't as recognized in the classical world as they are the realm of metal. Their newest record on Neurot, Frozen in Amber, will certainly appeal to the shadowy-hearted, but their complex structure evokes chamber quartet all the way, making good contrast for billmates Yob (Eugene Judas Priest-style metal) and Ludicra, who are arguably the best American black metal band of all time. JULIANNE SHEPHERD

THE START, LOW TOLERANCE, CLARITY PROCESS, THE CINEMA
(Meow Meow, 520 SE Pine)
One of the stupidest side effects of the "return of rock" is the way people refer to its practitioners as "the 'the' bands." First of all, as members of the Kinks, Stones, and Beatles might tell you, this is hardly a new phenomenon. Secondly, unless the moniker in question has "ska" awkwardly shoehorned into it, name construction isn't the most accurate way of predicting a group's sound. And finally, if folks really went wild every time some musician used "the" as a prefix, The The would be triumphantly touring arenas, and The Start would be a hell of a lot more popular. Of all the 'the' bands, The Start most resembles The Faint, sharing its affinity for '80s synth pop, but spiking the Romy 'n' Michelle's Reunion punch with heavy riffs and electing snarling punkette Aimee Echo as its prom queen. ANDREW MILLER

FUCK YEAH & THE UH-OHS, THE MINDS, THE BUTT FRENCHERS, ELECTRIC EYE
(Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy)
This evening rivals the anticipation of the Oscars, but on a more base, jalopy Portland scale, of course. Fuck Yeah and the Uh-Ohs combine the chaotic party rock of the Bugs with the chaotic rock bursts of the Last of the Juanitas to create something that will be undeniably chatoic, lovable, and filled with screaming. The Butt Frenchers mimic the sound of stirring macaroni. KATIE SHIMER

BOSKO VIP SPRING BREAK PARTY, THE REPARATIONS, BROTHA LOVE, DJ CHILL
(Red Sea, 318 SW 3rd)
If a successful Spring Break requires chutzpah, oil rubdowns, and a splash of island flavor, Portland producer Bosko knows exactly how to cook it crispy. The host of tonight's hotsy-totsy VIP party, Bosko blends a distinctive, slick West Coast feel with a teeny bit of the steel drum, handclaps, and a lot of smoking bass tracks. It's thuggy, but it's a Spring Break party; you want they should play Mr. Lif? Think of it as a fantasy vacation--cause you can't spend the night in Miami. JS

BOUTIQUE BAZAAR/FASHION SHOW STARRING MARCH FORTH, REPARATIONS, THE DRUM, HIGH PLANES DRIFTERS, DJ BROKEN WINDOW
(Medicine Hat, 1834 NE Alberta)
Portland is about one step behind L.A. as far as fashion goes, and actually we're ahead if you average in all those bad bleached jeans, fake tits, and crop tops. So here's another opportunity to buy Portland originals, and see them modeled on stage, all to the sounds of soul (Reparations), salsa (The Drum), electronic (High Planes Drifters), and dance (DJ Broken Window). Support our Troops by attending. KS

LIFESAVAS, ONRY OZZBORN, 100TH MONKEY
(Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny)
I will die if I don't hear the new Lifesavas record soon. DIE! Portland's most promising hiphop act (who just got off a European tour with Blackalicious and Buck 65), the Lifesavas KILLED with their first two singles on Quannum, which exhibited their deep insight into easygoing production, smart lyrics, even singing skills (something most emcees should avoid like a riot cop). Their full-length has been recorded and, painfully, is being closely guarded by Lifesavas management. Until its late-Spring release, we can catch their shining faces on tour with Rahzel, Zion I, Lyrics Born, Diverse, and frigging Odd Jobs, where they will surely take over America with charm and skills. (And now that I think about it... I hope they do take over America. If you know what I mean.) JS

PERFECT IN PLASTIC, BUTTERY LORDS, CAC
(Ash Street, 225 SW Ash)
When talk of legitimate white rappers arises, the most base commentary will likely lead to a Beastie Boys comparison. Talk about illegitimate white rap, and you get Vanilla Ice. You could blame the Beasties' level of lasting success and credibility on a number of factors; I.Q., fashion sense, copyright infringement, etc. But one key element to a successful white rapper undoubtedly lies in their ability to rap without sounding black. Not that there is anything wrong with sounding black when you rap, just so long as you are black. Eminem and Mike Skinner aka The Streets can attest to this observation. Portland's Buttery Lords sport a charming and often clever brand of whitey-hop that incorporates live instruments and a not-very-black rap style. Some unfortunate honkeys that need to be clued into this concept include Perfect in Plastic and CAC, whose creepy jock rapping will clarify why few associate Gresham with hiphop. JOE FAUSTIN KELLY

FRIDAY 3/28

RELENT FOR NO ONE, SATE, AS ASHES FALL, DOMESTIC BLEND
(Paris, 6 SW 3rd)
For some reason, groups that combine downtuned churn-and-chug riffs with a vulnerable vocal underbelly love to incorporate prepositional phrases into their monikers. Perhaps it's the literary credibility such names provide, the way they scream "underneath this skinny screamo exterior lies a sensitive scholar." Or maybe it's the way such phrases often describe spatial relationships, while the groups that embrace them loudly lament doomed relationships. Regardless, this gig proves that the prep-squad phenomenon extends at least from Portland (Relent for No One) to Spokane (As Ashes Fall). AM

TIM EASTON, HAPPY CHICHESTER
(Aladdin, 3017 SE Milwaukie)
For all I know, dreamy alt-country guy Tim Easton is the universe's biggest prick, but somehow I doubt it. His laid-back, sleepy voice and gentle, twangy guitar soothe me when I do the dishes, for Christ's sake. When an artist infiltrates your kitchen duties, that's when you know real intimacy has occurred. If Easton turned to out to be kind of an ass, I'd be shattered, like learning a lover has been unfaithful. Tim, baby! It's okay! We can work through this! You know I'm always here for you, even in the dark times. Call me. We'll talk. 294-0840. xo, JUSTIN WESCOAT SANDERS

LIFE IN BRAILLE, THE MOTIVE
(Satyricon)
Metallica + The Get Up Kids; has there ever been a worse blend of musical styles? (Well, maybe that Metallica + Ja Rule collaboration on the Biker Boyz soundtrack... but much like the movie, no one gave a damn about the soundtrack.) However, when listening to Northern California's Life in Braille, it's almost impossible to think of anything else. The riffs are straight-up Master of Puppets, while the singing has the enthusiasm of early Get Up Kids. Toss in some soaring keyboards to balance the riff-fest, and the end result is as intriguing as it is creative. CARMELO MARTINEZ

OWL & THE PUSSYCAT, REBECCA PEARCY
(Pacific Switchboard, 4637 N Albina)
The long absent, intelligent songwriting sweetheart, Ms. Lois Maffeo, returns with the Owl & the Pussycat, her new acoustic guitar/singing duo with Greg Moore. Both members have distinct, conversational altos, meshing prettily across their soft, subtly literary sky of melody, and airy, gray, bittersweet tones. Given the nature of the project, it's much like Maffeo's previous solo work, but with a quiet, wiser feel. JS

MARK FARINA, MEDINA, D-LYTE(Ohm, 31 NW 1st) Hugely famous DJ Mark Farina, father of San Francisco's Mushroom Jazz night and four mix CDs by the same name, comes to town to spin it. He mixes slow, down-tempo soul cuts, incorporating artists like People Under the Stairs, but he'll turn up the speed tonight for the Ohm's sweaty dance crowd. KS

POINT LINE PLANE, ROLLERBALL, NICE NICE, THE PLANET THE, SUPERSPRITE
(Nocturnal, 1800 W Burnside)
Five of Portland's most creatively adventurous, interesting, and talented bands--who encompass scorching synth-punk, devilish abstractions, thumping improv and inventive electronics. They are essentially my favorite Portland bands. I just wish they would all stop playing on the same goddamn bill. JS

SUBHUMANS, THE ENEMIES, THE VOIDS
(B Complex, 320 SE 2nd)
See Music pg 19

SATURDAY 3/29

PRINCE-MICHAEL-MADONNA 'N' ROSES PARTY!
(3749 SE Madison)
Dress up as your favorite '80s godhead (hints: M.J. Fox as Teen Wolf, Apollonia Six, The Noid) at this soiree. The winner for best costume gets their own guest radio show on the KPRA! JS

EXPLODING HEARTS, ROTTEN APPLES, DEADLY WEAPONS, THE HUSBANDS
(Blackbird)
The Rotten Apples' punk comes off quite sober and skilled with a heavy driving guitar sound, a singer who sounds as tough and sexy as Joan Jett, and songs that evoke an aggressive response. This is a band to see. KS

STOVOKOR, BLOODHAG, KAOLIN THE SINGING KLINGON, HELLSHOCK
(Satyricon)
"Dat tlhIngan 'aH wIlegh. jaqmoHbogh QoQ wIQoy. 'eybogh Soj wIlargh: pe'vIl He', jejbej pach!" Any idea what that means? Me neither (I cut-and-pasted it off of an online Klingon journal), but I'm betting the dudes playing at this show will know. They'll be glad to translate it for you, and they'll also rock you harder than you've ever been rocked by an intergalactic species. JWS

CASIOTONE FOR THE PAINFULLY ALONE, ANNA OXYGEN, GHOST TO FALCO, PRINCESS SWEEPSTAKES
(Disjecta, 116 NE Russell)
Electro is quickly supplanting rock as the most important force in pop culture, and because it's cheaper and more compact to work alone, the solo electronic musician is, of course, the future! Woo! However, these dudes have come up with new and exciting ways to be solo artists. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone hauls around a cartel of Casio keyboards, plugs them into an armored truck's worth of mini-amps, and plays the loudest, most abrasively charming twee-pop ever. Anna Oxygen, on the other hand, brings some multimedia to the table, with a keytar, a leotard, and a gorgeous voice. It's a performance art, of sorts, and a fun way to BURN CALORIES. JS

IDLEWILD, FRENCH KICKS, NATURAL HISTORY
(Lola's)
See Music pg 19

SMEGMA, USAISAMONSTER, NEQUAQUAM VACUUM, HUMAN ABSTRACT
(Jasmine Tree, 401 SW Harrison)
Leave the dancing shoes in the closet; there will be no foot-tapping tonight. Smegma's been making experimental noise music for decades while USAISAMONSTER thrashes and screams in a frantic attempt to disrupt the traditional musical conventions this vile country has whored you into advocating. JWS

SUNDAY 3/30

SCOTT AMENDOLA BAND
(Fez)
On Scott Amendola band's latest album, Cry, there's a violin, a saxophone, and Amendola's kickass drumming. Sometimes it's sad and haunting, and sometimes it's wild and fast. It's not really jazz, but it's jazzy; and it's definitely not funk, though it is funky. It's something I haven't heard before and thus, it impresses me. JWS

CAPTAIN VS. CREW, RALLY BOY, TROUBLED HUBBLE
(Berbati's)
Troubled Hubble has sound that's quite endearing. The lead singer belts it out (sort of reminding me of a cross between Travis from the Dismemberment Plan and Hutch from the Thermals), there are an abundance of pounding and crash cymbals from the drummer, and the overall sound stretches from indierock to pop to borderline hardcore (think Braid). I hate the name, but the band has a shitload of energy and a lot of potential. KS

THE ARRIVALS, ELECTRIC EYE, HOMONCULUS, REGURGITATIONS
(Reed College Ping-Pong Room, free)
Tough, poppy, and sweet punk rock emerges from Chicago's The Arrivals like a delicately fragrant orchid--only, since they are four boys in a tour van, in reality they probably stink a lot like sweat. Their songs don't diverge from the Midwest punk tradition, but by the same token, its only predictable element is the overarching proletariat vibe and graveled vocals (with the occasional cute/tuff yelp). It's super fantastic--like Portland garagesters the Electric Eye, who leak buckets of badassiness, comprehensible melody, and palpable energy. JS

MONDAY 3/31

BRANDON CLEMMENS: BORN IN THE USA
(Mississippi Pizza, 6 pm)
Screw the troops, the protesters, the flag-wavers, and the civilly disobedient: the real patriot is Psychological Thrillers' Brandon Clemmens. In lieu of wasting his life away watching "War on Iraq: The US has BIG FREAKING BALLS" erection-fest on the television, Mr. Clemmens has been painstakingly learning every note of Bruce Springsteen's 1984 classic, Born in the USA. He will perform the record, start to finish, in its entirety. Every nuance of The Boss' anti-nationalist tome shall be captured in the crackly, honest depth of Mr. Clemmens' voice--for this boy is reverent, and would never harm Springsteen's legacy. He even rented every episode of the Sopranos featuring Steven Van Zandt, to gain more artistic insight into the E Street Band. JS

LIONS OF ACORNS TOUR WITH LITTLE WINGS BAND
(Meow Meow)
I've been obsessed with Little Wings' Light Green Leaves since its release late last year. Songs like "Next Time" and "Boom" feel warm and breezy as having beers on your back porch in the middle of summer, just listening to the crickets and frogs and watching the sunset dip low and red into the horizon. It is music that sounds like every nursery rhyme you've ever heard. On the other hand, "Lions of Acorns Tour" ... what the hell is that supposed to mean?! Lousy tree-huggers. ADAM GNADE

TUESDAY 4/1

HOUSTON, THE PAYBACKS
(Blackbird)
See Music pg 19

PAULA ABDUL TRIBUTE NIGHT
(Meow Meow)
See Destination Fun pg 17

SWITCHFOOT, NOISE RATCHET, DENISON MARRS
(Aladdin)
Way back in 1996 before they were climbing the charts of contemporary Christian radio, the members of Switchfoot were in high school, with yours truly. Back then they were called Etc, and finished in 3rd place for the Battle-of-the-Bands, behind an instrumental band, and a Glam-rock cover band called Pistol Whipped. I guess they've come along way since then, since both the instrumental and Glam bands are long gone, and Switchfoot is prepping to be the next DC Talk. Honestly, I can't say that I'm a huge fan of their music--it's a bit too "very special episode of 7th Heaven" for my tastes--but whatever dude. EZRA ACE CARAEFF

POM POM MELTDOWN, WHO'S THE PRESIDENT, RAKI LA ROCK, SKINJOBS
(5043 NE 12th, 7-10 pm, $4)
Like the US Military, Vancouver, BC punkahs the Skinjobs are currently recruiting... "queers," that is, with their extremely gay steez and erotic, go-go dancing, melodic punk rock. Helping them attract candidates: local hard rock hostesses Pom Pom Meltdown, acoustic Raki (ex-Teratoma) and agit-punks Who's the President. JS

WEDNESDAY 4/2

CHEAP TRICK
(Roseland)
One of the most painfully awkward moments of my 24 years on God's Green Earth occurred when I butchered Cheap Trick's rock classic "Surrender" at a karaoke bar last year. My singing/slurring, albeit heavily influenced by the half-dozen mixed drinks I polished off beforehand, was one of the worst karaoke performances in the history of the planet. So for the sake of all things good, I have sworn off karaoke and re-pledged my allegiance to the single greatest band ever to come from Rockford, Illinois--Cheap Trick! EAC

THE FEEDERZ, THE TRIGGERS, THE OBSERVERS
(Berbati's)
It's a cheap journalistic crutch to focus on the "dynamic frontwoman" when reviewing a band, but it's hard not to do so when talking about a band like The Triggers, where "dynamic" is something of an understatement. Candy--frontwoman of the punk band The Triggers--is so dynamic, in fact, it seems likely she'd kick your ass and steal your beer, laughing all the while. Bill Bullock

MOCK ORANGE, COUNTERFIT
(Satyricon)
Remember early-emo pioneers Braid? Well Mock Orange sure as hell does. Seems that the Mock boys went in the way-way-way-back machine and stole Braid's playbook, because they sound like their modern-day doppelganger. I would have lost my shit for this if I was still a teenage virgin with a penchant for free-flowing emotional journal writing, but I'm not--and neither are you--so steer clear. Counterfeit fare somewhat better, while they do absolutely nothing new--emo-punk-pop that would sound at home in Hot Topic--they at least seem to busting some ass with their manic live show. CM