DJ Teenage is a "human jukebox" who plays danceable hits of the ages. He moistens the masses "wherever people are in need of dance, wherever parties are in need of beats, but mostly at Holocene," at his Death By Disco night.

Why are you a human jukebox? I don't get all caught up in making "music" with the turntables. My job is to play songs that you like and want to dance to, not play songs that no one has ever heard of. I'm not totally top 40, but dude... it's gotta be fun and familiar or people will not dance to it.

Death By Disco: explain. I want you to dance yourself to death. I want you to fucking get killed on the dance floor, I want you to have so much fun that you expire.

You say you're not just for the bedroom anymore. Why not?

It's understandable that most people would find my most appropriate applications in the bedroom setting. However, I'm extremely versatile. Don't be afraid to experiment with DJ Teenage, you might just find an application that no one's thought of yet. DJ Teenage cannot be stopped!

OK then. So let's say I'm at a party you're spinning. What's going down?

Two kids are passed out in the bushes from shotgunning 22 oz. PBRs. "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie is totally pumping. The dance floor is so packed full of sweaty shirtless dancers that I have to remind everyone repeatedly not to touch the fucking turntables or the record will skip. The irresistible beats never end and you don't care how I do it, you just do not want me to stop.

Is it true you do nothing but make out when you're not DJing?

Actually, I try to do that while DJing as well, that's the only turntable trick I know.

This interview has given me a man crush. Please explain.

It's my shoes. They always do that.

Wow, it is the shoes. Is it hard being DJ Teenage? It's like when you first learned to ride your bike... you are suddenly totally free. AARON MILES