Thrilled by the prospect of making first contact with extraterrestrial life, you and your girlfriend become rather randy as you wait for Cook-Bot's signal to be noticed by aliens. In no time at all, she's wearing only skimpy white underwear, and you're only in your boxer shorts and trusty aviator sunglasses.
Suddenly, your totally awesome grope-session is interrupted by a beam of blood-red light. Looking up, you realize it is coming from the door of a UFO—which has landed silently nearby!
Your girlfriend screams as hordes of creepy blue-skinned aliens pour from the metallic disc.
"Glurk glick clom dlurm!" shouts the nearest alien, brandishing a threatening-looking silver rod in your direction.
"Yeah, sure," you reply. "Say, do you guys know where I might find a saber-toothed tiger heart? Or do you guys have a time machine or something?"
"GLURK GLICK CLOM DLURM!" shouts the increasingly irate alien leader. Suddenly, the rod's tip begins to glow a menacing green.
"Noooo!" shouts your girlfriend, who grabs Cook-Bot and pushes him in front of the green laser beam. Reflecting off of his chrome exterior, the laser beam strikes down all of the aliens—but not without taking its toll on Cook-Bot, whose wired innards are exposed and sparking. Smoke drifts from his charred metallic torso.
"Cook-Bot! You saved the whole human race!" shouts your girlfriend.
"Dude, they might've known where a saber-toothed tiger heart was," you say. "Thanks for fucking everything up, you glorified toaster."
"It's a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done. It's a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever knooowwwwnnnnnnnn," says Cook-Bot. With a final electronic sigh, he dies.
Your girlfriend rushes into your arms, weeping.
"Well, I didn't get the heart," you think to yourself, comforting her. "So that's done with. But at least my girlfriend saved my life by pushing Cook-Bot in front of that death-ray... OR DID SHE?!"
If you think your girlfriend saved your life, you'll want to reward her. But what should you get her? Well, if there's one thing this crazy adventure has taught you, it's that diamonds are a girl's best friend! Click here.
If you think your girlfriend fucked everything up by killing the aliens, who totally might have (probably not, but maybe) known how to get a saber-toothed tiger heart or something, click here.
To go back, click here.
THURSDAY 2/23
Acme-The Janglies, 7:30 pm
Alberta St. Pub-Monty Green's Bluegrass Invite, 9 pm, free
Ash St. Saloon-Yaotl Mictlan, Malphrenia, Caustic, Grieving Sun, 2 Min Hate, 9:15 pm, $5
Berbati's Pan-The Listening, Mercir, Caves, Careen, $6; The Incredible Kid, DJ Anjali, 9 pm, free (barside)
C-Bar-Ditch Richards, David Rynhart, 8 pm
Casa Colima-Cubaneo
Clyde's Prime Rib-Jim Mesi, Steve Bradley
Dante's-The Sword, Early Man, Priestess, Ditchliquor, 9:30 pm, $5
Doug Fir-Loch Lomond, Nick Jaina, The Separatists, 9 pm, $5
Duff's Garage-Ida Hopper
East Chinatown Lounge-DJ Missnomer, 6 pm; Auditory Sculpture w/Mic Crenshaw, 10:30 pm, free
Edgefield-Mark Alan
Fez-Matt Gilligan, Gregory Miles Harris, The Prescott Trumbos, Jenny Sizzler, Jasmine Ash, 7 pm, free; Invasion w/DJ Catalyst, 10 pm, free
Food Hole-Lazarus, Tiger Saw, 2% Majesty, Red Leaf Black Bird, The Shaky Hands
Gemini-Karaoke from Hell
Goodfoot-Jacob Fred Jazz Odyssey, The Dead Kenny Gs
Green Room-So Called Blues Band, 9 pm
Hawthorne Theatre-Selah PR, 9 pm, $8
Holocene-The Blow, Copy, The Kingdom, Blitzen Trapper, Strategy, The Snuggle Ups, Yacht, Solenoid, PGE, Alan Singley & Pants Machine, Dizzy Starhouse, Kittenz, 8:30 pm, $8
Imbibe-TranceLucid, 9 pm
It's A Beautiful Pizza-Grant Richards, Charlie Stanford, 7 pm
Jimmy Mak's-Mel Brown B3 Organ Quartet, 9 pm, $5
Kennedy School-The Bad Dates, Community Singing w/The Portland Sacred Harp, 7 pm, free
Laurelthirst-Lewi Longmire, 6 pm; Celilo, 9:30 pm, $4
Mississippi Pizza-Keegan Smith, Pilar French, Rachel Taylor Brown, 7:30 pm
Mississippi Studios-Tom Grant, 8 pm, $10
Music Millennium NW-David Finkel, Wu Han, noon; Paul Manousos, 6 pm
Poor Richard's-Lynn Conover, Janet Julian
Red & Black Cafe-Tom McNally Group
River Roadhouse-Stonecreep, Endless Rage
Rock Creek Tavern-Clontarf Ramblers, 9 pm, free
Rock N Roll Pizza-The Warriors, Blacklisted, Embrace the End, With or Without You, The Burning Room, 6 pm
Roots Brewing-Slowly Rising, 8 pm
Rose Garden-Il Divo, Hayley Westenra, 7:30 pm, $45-75
Sabala's Mt. Tabor-Tenderbox
Shedd Institute for the Arts (Eugene)-Dick Hyman, 7:30 pm, $23-32
Siam Society-Captain Dan's Pocket Jazz Trio, 8 pm, free
Sweet Oregon Grill-Jon Koonce, 7 pm
The Know-Last Thursday w/Zach, 9 pm
The Stein Haus-Haus Cats
Thunder Ranch Saloon-Jennifer Lynn
Tillicum Club-Lloyd Jones, 8 pm
Tonic-Umber Sleeping, Sad Panda, Jennifer Echo
Viper Room-Lyle Ford, 7 pm
Wallbangers-Dueling Pianos
White Eagle-Wax Edison, 8:30 pm, $4
Wilf's Piano Bar-Patrick Lamb Band
WOW Hall (Eugene)-Action Action, Something for Rockets, Men, Women & Children, Ahimsa Theory, 8:30 pm, $8-10
FRIDAY 2/24
Acme-Krav Maga, Hott Pink, 8 pm; DJ Sharon Needles, 10 pm
Aladdin-Nada Surf, Rogue Wave, Inara George, 8 pm, $13.50-15
Alberta St. Pub-Sassparilla Jug Band, 6 pm, free
Ash St. Saloon-Johnny Cash Tribute: Joshua James, Morgan Geer, Kate Mann, Johnny Mercury, The Runaway Trains, Jennifer Lynn, 9:30 pm, $5
Berbati's Pan-Ambiance w/The Mighty Juggernaut, DJ OG One, $10; DJ P. Disco, 9 pm, free (barside)
Blue Monk-Devin Phillips & New Orleans Straight Ahead, 7:30 pm, $20
Chinook Winds Casino-Foreigner, 8 pm, $20-35
Corner Saloon-Hipwaiters
Crystal Ballroom-Hot for Teacher, The Zucchini Brothers, The Sinner's Club, 8 pm; '80s Video Dance Attack w/VJ Kittyrox, 10 pm, $3 (Lola's)
Dante's-Yellow Snow Tour: The Beautiful Girls, Mishka, 9:30 pm, $10
Doug Fir-Hell's Belles, Storm & The Balls, 9 pm, $15 adv.; Rotate w/Amber Martin, midnight-3 am, free
Driftwood Tavern-Open Mic w/Doc Michaels
Dublin Pub-The Boys Next Door, T Ray & The Shades, 7 pm
Duff's Garage-Lisa & Her Kin
Edgefield-Greg Clarke
Eliot Hall at Reed College-Daniel Menche, Ghosting, Pulse Emitter, Leif Sundstrom, Watery Graves
First United Methodist Church-Columbia Symphony Orchestra, 8 pm
Food Hole-Deathstar, Winds of Flight, Time for Change, To Fall Victim
Gemini-Erin Black Band
Grand Lodge-Kate Mann, 7 pm, free
Green Room-Juke Joint Gamblers, Aric, Riley, The Martindales, 9:30 pm
Grolla-Jim Soloway
Ground Kontrol-Time Lapse: History of the Future, Beige Ferrari, DJ Moonchild, 9:30 pm, $3
Hawthorne Theatre-Uprite Dub Orchestra, Lurid, Hello Square, 9 pm, $8
Heathman Hotel-Stephanie Schneiderman
Holocene-Fleshtone, DJ Tigerstripes, Amber Martin, Caught in Candy, Sol, 9 pm, $5
Hotel Oregon-Johnny B. Connolly, 7 pm, free
Imbibe-Happy Hour w/Little Sue, 6 pm; Dee Settlemier, 9:30 pm, $5
In Other Words-Teri Untalan, Dominque Garcia, 5:30 pm, $5
Jasmine Tree-Colin Spring, Andi Camp, Chris McFarland, 9 pm, free
Jax-Hank Hirsh Quintet, 8 pm
Jimmy Mak's-Liv Warfield, 9 pm, $12
Jolly Roger-Earl & The Reggae Allstars, 10 pm, free
Kells-Grafton Street, 9:30 pm
Kelly's Olympian-Metal Night
Laurelthirst-Reggie's Box of Chocolates, 6 pm, free; Freak Mountain Ramblers, 9:30 pm, $6
LV's Uptown-Jazz Fest: David Friesen, John Gross, 8 pm
Mississippi Pizza-Amanda Richards, 6 pm; Virginia Lopez, Melao Project, 9 pm
Mississippi Studios-Amelia, Ritchie Young, Anya Marina, 8 pm, $20
Mock Crest-Sneakin' Out, 9 pm
Montego Bay-Kat & The Roots Revolution, 10 pm, free
Ninth Ave Public House-Gothic Outhouse, 8:30 pm
Paris Theatre-Josh Ingerman, Coyleparker, Blue Ember, Random Thought, Michael Lansing
Poor Richard's-The Commercial Underground
Produce Row-Anonymn, $3
Pshaw!-Happy Hour w/Eric Allen, Brian Lowe, Roots Revolution, Katt the Charming Lion
Queen of Hearts Tavern-Steve Lockwood Band, 8 pm
River Roadhouse-Rockhounds
Rock Creek Tavern-Michael Meanwhile, 9 pm, free
Rock N Roll Pizza-36 Crazyfists, Kane Hodder, The Mediam, BlueTurnsWhite, Subconscious, 7 pm, $5
Roots Brewing-Left Hand Monkey Wrench, 8 pm
Sweet Oregon Grill-Feppo Brothers, 7 pm
The City-Kalakoa, 10 pm
The Know-Carl Weathers for Governor, The Draft, Drats!!!, 9 pm
The Old Church-Young Artist Jazz Concert, 7 pm, $10-12
The Stein Haus-Kenny Lee & The Sundowners
Tillicum Club-Marty Henninger, 8 pm
Towne Lounge-The Chancers, $3
Viper Room-Lyle Ford, 7 pm
Wallbangers-Dueling Pianos
White Eagle-Reverb Brothers, 5:30 pm, free; Timothy Hull, Casey Neill Band, 8:30 pm, $6
Wilf's Piano Bar-Richard Arnold & The Groove Swingers
Wong's-DK Stewart & The DK4
"You totally fucked shit up! Those aliens were totally going to help me! Maybe!"
"What're you talking about?" asks your girlfriend. "They were going to kill you. What would they even know about a saber-toothed tiger heart anyway? That's the worst idea I've ever heard. You always make the wrong choices. We're through, you ungrateful prick!"
Decades later, you rue this moment, when instead of thanking your girlfriend for saving the entire human race, you blamed her for ruining your chance to help a drunk old fuck save his pet saber-toothed tiger. Or something. You can't really remember in your Alzheimer's-stricken state. Penniless, emaciated, and with only your aviator glasses to your name, you die alone. In an alley. Naked.
THE END
To go back, click here.
SATURDAY 2/25
Abou Karim Restaurant-Mary Kadderly Duo
Acme-The Decliners, Herkemer, Creeping Meatball, 9 pm, $4
Aladdin-Brandi Carlile, Gibb Droll
Alberta St. Pub-Zephyr French Cabaret, 7 pm, $6; Midnight Serenaders, The Stolen Sweets, 9:30 pm, $8
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall-Oregon Symphony w/Mambo Kings
Artichoke-Song Circle, 2 pm
Ash St. Saloon-Facepilot, Grievous, Flying Fortress, Elcerdo, Norska, 9:30 pm, $5
Beale Street NW-Rose City Kings Mardi Gras
Berbati's Pan-Dilated Peoples, Little Brother, Defari, DJ-OG One, 9:30 pm, $20
Billy Reed's-Nobu Ozaki, Mark DiFlorio
Blue Monk-3 Leg Torso, 9 pm, $10
Boons Treasury-Dan Neal Band
Cheerful Tortoise-Evelate, 10 pm, $5
Chinook Winds Casino-Foreigner, 8 pm, $20-35
Couch Gallery-CR Avery Band, 9 pm, $5
Dante's-Kultur Shock, Levon Levan, Jill Brazil, 9:30 pm, $7-8
Devils Point-The Drycounty Crooks, The Flapjacks, The Sawyer Family, 10 pm, $5
Doug Fir-Bat Makumba, Children of the Revolution, DJ Felina, 9 pm, $13-15; Knotty Disco w/DJs Mr. MuMu, Barrett Paul, midnight-3 am, $5-8
Dublin Pub-Jason Fellman Band, 7:30 pm, $5
Duff's Garage-Radio Giants
Edgefield-Michael Meanwhile
Food Hole-Truckless, Wifeswap, Bee's Knees
Gemini-Rick Welter
Goodfoot-5 Year Anniversary: Scott Pemberton, Scott Law, Tye North, Asher Fulero, Micah Kassell, Joe Cunningham, 9 pm, $6
Green Room-Insomniacs, 9:30 pm
Hawthorne Theatre-The Bled, Since by Man, As Cities Burn, 9 pm, $10
Hotel Oregon-Sonny Hess, 7 pm, free
Imbibe-Hank Hirsh, 9:30 pm, $5
Jimmy Mak's-Linda Hornbuickle
Jolly Roger-Earl & The Reggae Allstars, 10 pm, free
Kells-Grafton Street, 9:30 pm
Kelly's Olympian-Go Fever, DJ Colin Store
Laurelthirst-James Low, 6 pm; Deadwood Revival, Michael Jodell Band, 9:30 pm, $5
LV's Uptown-Jazz Fest: Sandy Dennison Trio, 8 pm
Mac's Place-The FlexTones, 9 pm, $5
McDonald Theatre (Eugene)-Relient K, The Rocket Summer, Maxeen
Mississippi Pizza-Lorna Miller's Little Kids' Jamboree, 4 pm, $5/family; Circle Dance, 6 pm; New Mexican Revolution, Tom Heinl, 9 pm
Mississippi Studios-Edie Carey, Anne Heaton, 8 pm, $12; Miraflores, 10 pm, $5
Mock Crest-Blueprints, 9 pm
Montego Bay-Kat & The Roots Revolution, 10 pm, free
Mt. Hood Sports Arena-Band Fest, 5 pm, $5
Music Millennium NW-Beltaine, 1 pm; The Lashes, 5 pm
Nocturnal-Marie Schumacher Band, 7 pm, free
Portland Coffee House (East)-Blues Trio, 8 pm
Pshaw!-Roots Revolution w/Katt the Chanting Lion
Reed College Student Union-Plan R, Clorox Girls, Statch & The Rapes, Autistic Youth, Wolfgang Williams, Punk Rock Faggots
River Roadhouse-Notorious
Rock Creek Tavern-Chuck & Dave Show, 9 pm, free
Rock N Roll Pizza-Systrum, Blacklist 40, In Memory, Bully, 9 pm, $8
Roots Brewing-Baktun, 8 pm
Sabala's Mt. Tabor-Excessive Moderation, Quandry
Slabtown-Ambulance for Angeles, 9 pm, $5
Studio Ten-Fifty-Liv Warfield, DJ Gemo, 9:30 m, $12
The Excommunicate House-Moth Drakula, Circuit Wound, Obstacle Corpse, Withdrawl Method, blowupnihilist, The Sunken w/IDX12274, 7 pm, $5
The Know-Rag & Bone Men
The Old Church-Akbar DePriest, Jof Lee, Ed Bennett, 7:30 pm, $13-15
The Stein Haus-Aaron Black Banc
Tiger Bar-Back to Reality: Hungry Mob, Cloud, Brown Recluse, DJ Venom 33 1/3, 10 pm, $2
Tillicum Club-Marty Henninger, 8 pm
Tonic-The Invisible Men, Jose Fang, Mistress & The Mister, Half Acre Day
Towne Lounge-Craig Wedren, The Dead Science, 8 Chainsaws per Spider, 9:30 pm, $8-10
Wallbangers-Dueling Pianos
White Eagle-Bad Dates, 9:30 pm, $6
Wilf's Piano Bar-Barbara Lusch Trio
Wired Coffee-S. Brooks, Animal Beard, 7 pm
Wong's-DK Stewart & The DK4
WOW Hall (Eugene)-The Waybacks, Taarka, 8:30 pm, $8-10
Xenos-Firedancing, Banjo Picking
SUNDAY 2/26
Aladdin-The Waybacks, The Mammals
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall-Oregon Symphony w/Mambo Kings
Ash St. Saloon-L'Acephale, Book of Black Earth, Doom Lit Sky, Bluf auf dem Eisen, 10 pm, $5
Baraka-Trashcan Joe
Beale Street NW-Gospel Lunch, 1 pm; Tag Team, 7 pm
Berbati's Pan-Libretto, Ray Ray, Soul Plasma, Pricy, Chef Boy R Bangers, DJ Lightfingers, 9 pm, $8; The Word w/Paula B (barside)
Biddy McGraw's-Irish Music Open Jam
Crystal Ballroom-Matisyahu, Trevor Hall, 9 pm, $20-22; Hive: DJ Blackout, Owen, 9 pm, $3 (Lola's)
Dante's-Sinferno Cabaret, 9 pm, $6
Duff's Garage-All-Star Blues
Edgefield-Caroline Oakley, Peter Leone
Hawthorne Theatre-Toasters, Westbound Train, Satori, Uprite Dub Orchestra, 9 pm, $12
Imbibe-Brudda Walter, 7 pm
It's A Beautiful Pizza-Gypsy Jazz, 8 pm
IWW Hall-Far from Finished, Defect Defect
Kells-Pat Buckley, 9 pm
Laurelthirst-Freak Mountain Ramblers, 6 pm; Neil Gilpin's Belmont St. Octet, 10 pm, $3
Loveland-Motion City Soundtrack, Ok Go, Plain White Ts, The Spill Canvas, 6:15 pm, $13.50-15
Mississippi Pizza-Njuzu Mbira, 4 pm; Cuba Ache, 7 pm
Mock Crest-Steve Cameron, Dave Mathis, 8 pm
Moon & Sixpence-Foghorn Stringband, free
Music Millennium NW-The Mammals, 3 pm
Muu Muu's-Sunday Chill w/Will West, 8 pm
Pshaw!-Chata Addy's Drum Jam, 8 pm
River Roadhouse-Etched in Stone
Rock Creek Tavern-Billy Kennedy & Jon Sokol, 4 pm, free
Rock N Roll Pizza-Action Action, Something for Rockets, Men, Women & Children, Stu's Shoes, $8-10
Sabala's Mt. Tabor-Dark Skies, The Del Toros, Howie & The Hotknives, The Weaklings, Slam Dunk, 9 pm
The Old Church-Florestan Trio, 7 pm
The Stein Haus-Kinzel & Hyde, 8:30 pm, free
Tillicum Club-Mike Winkle, 6 pm
Tonic-Trioxin Overdose, Curien, Among the Decayed, Godless
Towne Lounge-Mise en Abyme, Matthew Stadler, These Days, Metal, Christopher Himes, Charles Muede
Waverly Heights Congregational Church-Community Singing w/The Portland Sacred Harp, 2 pm, free
White Eagle-Open Mic w/John Vecchiarelli, Garth Michael McDermott, 8 pm, free
MONDAY 2/27
Alberta St. Pub-Tony Smiley, 6:30 pm, free
Amnesia Brewing Co.-Bingo w/Tom Heinl, 7:30 pm, free
Andina Restaurant-Sambafeat
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall-Oregon Symphony w/Mambo Kings
Biddy McGraw's-Lowell J. Mitchell Trio, 6 pm
Candlelight-D.K. Stewart & The DK4, 9 pm, free
Dante's-Ground Zero Lounge w/Clyde Lewis, 7:30 pm, free; Karaoke from Hell, 10 pm, $2
Doug Fir-Robert Pollard, Swords, 9 pm, $16-17
Dunes-Boy Eats Drum Machine, Neighborhood DJ, 9 pm, free
Edgefield-Skip Van Kuske Diva Series w/Lea Krueger, 7 pm, free
Food Hole-The Fugue, Ikebana, Me Con
Green Room-Open Mic w/Chuck Warda, 9 pm
It's A Beautiful Pizza-Five Euro Tip, 8 pm
Jimmy Mak's-Dan Balmer, 7:30 pm, free
Kells-Pat Buckley, 9 pm
Mississippi Pizza-Matt Vrba, Will West, Justin Blackenship, Josh Malm, Keegan Smith, 7 pm
Rock N Roll Pizza-Comeback Kid, Ignite, First Blood, Sinking Ships, Killing the Dream, 6 pm, $12
The Stein Haus-Lloyd Jones
White Eagle-Griffin, 8 pm, free
TUESDAY 2/28
Andina Restaurant-Toshi Onizuka
Ash St. Saloon-Thorn City Improv: Sleep, Destro, Anaxagorus, Smoke, Soul Plasma, Andy B, Grand Verbal, Bo Bryan, AG, DJ Kez, 9:30 pm, $6
Beale Street NW-New Iberians, 8 pm
Biddy McGraw's-Dylan Thomas Vance, Griff Bear
C-Bar-Pagan Jug Band
Candlelight-Reggie Houston's Earth Island Band, 9:30 pm, free
Crystal Ballroom-Hit Explosion, The Devin Phillips Band, $9.71; Charlie Girl & The Big Package, 9 pm, $9.71 (Lola's)
Duff's Garage-Dover Weinberg Quartet
Edgefield-Caleb Klauder, Sammy Lind, 7 pm, free
Eliot Hall at Reed College-Ethnic Heritage Ensemble
Fez-Fat Tuesday: QuiVah, Manic D, Fogatron, DJ Papercuts, Seattle:MC, 9 pm, $7
Food Hole-Jessica Jones, Shaky Hands, Dragging an Ox Through Water, Horsefeathers
Green Room-Portland Songwriter Showcase, 9 pm
Hawthorne Theatre-The Birthday Massacre, The Gentry, 9 pm, $10
Imbibe-Paul Brainard, Billy Kennedy, 9:30 pm
It's A Beautiful Pizza-Balkan Music & Dance, 9 pm
Jimmy Mak's-Mel Brown Septet, 7:30 pm, $6
Kells-Pat Buckley, 9 pm
Ken's Place-Steve Cheseborough, 5 pm
Laurelthirst-Jackstraw, 6 pm
Lotus-Geoff Byrd, The Superficials, New Iberians, Storm & The Balls, $15
Mac's Place-DK Stewart & The DK4
Mock Crest-James Clem, 8 pm
Nocturnal-Blues Practica, 7 pm, $5
Rock Creek Tavern-Bluegrass Tuesdays, 7 pm, free
Sabala's Mt. Tabor-Captain Bogg & Salty
Sellwood Public House-Kinzel & Hyde, 6:30 pm, free
Tonic-Dolly Dolly, Berlin, The Empty, Boob
Towne Lounge-Impossible Shapes, Parks & Recreation, The Maybe Happening, 9:30 pm, $6
Twilight Cafe-Eric Allen & friends
Wallbangers-Dueling Pianos
White Eagle-Mary Gauthier, 9 pm, $15
Zach's Shack-Open Mic w/Grasshoppah, 10 pm, free
WEDNESDAY 3/1
45th Street Pub-Open Mic
Acme-Modernstate, Alela Diane, Field Notes, 9 pm, $3
Alberta St. Pub-Zydeco Dance Party, 7 pm
Alexander's Lounge-Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8 pm, free
Andina Restaurant-Neftali Rivera
Ash St. Saloon-Cityvein, Amara, Change it to Jack, Under the Ash, 9 pm, $4
Aura-Kalani Jazz Project, 8 pm, free
Beale Street NW-Conroy-DeBrie, 6 pm
Biddy McGraw's-Elizabeth Nicholson
Blue Monk-Lloyd Allen in the Mix
Boons Treasury-Steve Cheseborough
Buffalo Gap-Tracy Klas, 9 pm
Dante's-Storm & The Balls, 10 pm, $5
Doug Fir-John Weinland, The Waxfire, John Vecchiarelli, 9 pm, $5
Driftwood Tavern-Open Mic w/Doc Michaels
Duff's Garage-Blues Jam w/Suburban Slim
Edgefield-Rachel Taylor Brown
Food Hole-Orthrelm, Zombi, Get Hustle, Jonny X & The Groadies, $6-8
Green Room-Stephen Ashbrook
Hawthorne Theatre-Mest, Allister, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, The Classic Crime, Bottom Line, 9 pm, $15
Heathman Hotel-David Michael Lee, 7 pm
It's A Beautiful Pizza-Irish Music, 6 pm; Arabian Music, 8:30 pm
Kells-Pat Buckley, 9 pm
Laurelthirst-Casey Neill, Little Sue, Lewi Longmire, 6 pm, free; Jessica Stiles, 9 pm
Loveland-Gaza, Michigan, Fall of Enosis, Books Unburned, 7 pm, $8
Mission Theatre-Patrick Street, 8 pm
Mississippi Pizza-Trio Subronic, Chris Mosley, 7 pm
Moon & Sixpence-Trashcan Joe, 8:30 pm, free
Night Light Lounge-Atomic Jazz Ensemble, 9 pm, free
Noir-Kittenz, Hott Pink, Mr. Romo, 31 Avas, PGE
Paola's-Ezra Meredith, 9 pm
Pshaw!-Reggie Houston's Box of Chocolates, 7 pm; Lloyd Jones & friends, 10 pm
Red & Black Cafe-Anne Phillip, 8 pm
Rock N Roll Pizza-Eyes of Fire, LOSA, Amongst Us, Roanoke, Grieving Sun, 7 pm, $8
Roots Brewing-Stump Town Jug Thumpers, 8 pm
Tillicum Club-Rick Welter, 8 pm
Towne Lounge-Steve Wynn & The Miracle 3, Dan Jones & The Squids, 9:30 pm
Wallbangers-Dueling Pianos
White Eagle-Seven Year Tango, 8:30 pm, free
Wilf's Piano Bar-Valerie Day, Tom Grant
The Hutch-Suma w/ Edwin Fountaine, 8 pm
DJ LISTINGS
THURSDAY 2/23
Backspace-Metronome: Microelectronic Funk
Bar of the Gods-Atom 13, Homonym, 10 pm
Ground Kontrol-TRONix: Discs of Jammotron, 9 pm, free
Noir-Ravi, Scottie Soul, 9 pm, free
Porky's Pub-Booty: DJs ChaotiQueer, Puppet, Stormy, MoRocca, 9 pm, $3
Produce Row-Small Axe, $3
Red Cap Garage-FSO DJ
Ringler's Pub-DJ Savi, 10 pm, free
Saucebox-Techno Sol w/DJ Suppoz, 10 pm, free
Tube-DJ KG
XV-The Remedy w/Santoztin
FRIDAY 2/24
Baraka-Solovox Synphony Orkestra, VJ Schmeejay
Bettie Ford-DJ Evil One, Mr. Strack, $5
Fez-Shut Up & Dance w/DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, $5; DJ Moisti (Lounge)
Goodfoot-DJ Aquaman's Soul Stew, 10 pm
Gotham Building Tavern-DJ Dave Allen
Greek Cusina-Body Call w/ DJ Professor Stone, DJ Sneakers, DJ Wicked (Minoan); DJ Brett (Taverna)
Matador-DJ Trixie Doll, DJ Lucifina, 10 pm, free
Squeez-Erik Beats, 9 pm
Tube-Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots w/DJ Nikki C
XV-Superhappywax w/Soul Shepherds of the Sandpeople, free
SATURDAY 2/25
Fez-Andaz w/DJ Anjali, The Incredible Kid, 9 pm, $7
Gotham Building Tavern-Reverend Shines
Ground Kontrol-Reagan-o-Mix: Jammotron, 9:30 pm, free
Holocene-Double Down: DJs 4Star, Dre, Harmony, 8 pm, $5
Noir-Dementia: Carrion, Uberlush, Horrid, 9 pm, $3
Produce Row-DJ Tim Blade, $3
Red Cap Garage-DJ Blu
Ringler's Pub-DJ Miranda, 10 pm, free
Ringlers Annex-DJ Ted Striker, 10 pm, free
Saucebox-Allumè w/Mr. Mumu, 10 pm, free
Tube-Gimme Danger w/DJ Maxamillion
U&I Tavern-DJ Mattbastard
XV-Hightower
SUNDAY 2/26
Bettie Ford-Jayanta
Devils Point-Stripparaoke w/KJ Pinky, 9 pm, free
Greek Cusina-Industry Night
Holocene-Cupcake, 4 pm, $5
Kelly's Olympian-DJ One Pump
Matador-DJ Donny Don't, 10 pm, free
Night Light Lounge-SIN Night w/DJ Roommate, 10 pm, free
Noir-Hiphop Boutique: Mr. Romo, Hoben, PHI, Jaziz
Pala-Adam & Demetre, $1
MONDAY 2/27
Aalto Lounge-DJ Maxamillion
Devils Point-DJ Caution
Duff's Garage-Zombo's Mondo Party
East Chinatown Lounge-iPod uPod
Imbibe-Happy Hour w/Solovox, 7 pm, free
Kelly's Olympian-DJ Sars
Matador-DJ Hanna, 10 pm, free
Momo's-Mello Mondays w/DJ Mello Cee
Tonic-DJ Matt Machine
Towne Lounge-Jackpot Records Listening Party
Tube-DJ Pedro
XV-SIN Night w/House DJs
TUESDAY 2/28
Berbati's Pan-Fat Tuesday w/Knotty DJs, 10 pm, $5
Goodfoot-Eclectic Selectors Perspective w/Seoul Brother #1, Atom13, Homonym, 10 pm, free
Holocene-Throwback Tuesdays: DJs Evil One, Sneakers, 9 pm, free
Night Light Lounge-Laptop Lounge Collective, 9 pm, free
Tube-No No No Disco w/DJ Nightschool
Wonder Ballroom-Amber Martin, 8 pm, free (cafe)
XV-Don't Hate w/Paula B
WEDNESDAY 3/1
Fez-Devotion w/local DJs, 9:30 pm, free
Holocene-Gaycation: DJs Automaton, Hotpants, Snowtiger, 9 pm, free
Matador-FauxReal, 10 pm, free
Nocturnal-Tango Dancing, 7:30 pm, $5
Pix Patisserie-PRA Night, 9 pm
Tonic-Reggae Dancehall
YOU’RE LUNCH You: Intrepid time-explorer.
Me: Tyrannosaurus Rex.
When: 75 million years ago. You were delicious!
THE END.
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