Cher, my real mom
Cher, my real mom Warner Brothers Records

I don't need to tell you why Cher is amazing, but I will anyway: She has spent the past five decades bestowing her incredible pop music unto the ears of the world, singing sweet songs of hope and love with a voice that contains more power than a thousand blue whales. She truly is the Goddess of Pop, and I love her.

Just last year Cher carried the otherwise nonsensical Mama Mia sequel on her elegant, ageless shoulders, playing Meryl Streep's mom (because who else could?) and performing covers of Abba hits like "Fernando" and "Super Troopers." She ended up releasing a whole album honoring Abba—Dancing Queen—and on Tuesday, November 19, she's bringing her "Here We Go Again" tour to Moda Center with Nile Rodgers and Chic. Tickets go on sale Friday, April 5 at 10 am.

There's something else I must share: I think Cher might be my mom? Hear me out: Over the past few years, I have had a recurring dream that I'm a member of her family band. In this reality, she is married to Ariel Pink, and I am her adopted child. We all wear matching go-go dancer outfits and travel the world performing at Copacabana-style nightclubs. At each venue, her green room is adorned with pink silk and roses. I'm required to call her "miss," but I don't mind. According to Freudian dream theory, a dream is a repressed wish seeking fulfillment. According to Dolan dream theory, because Cher adopted me in a dream, I am now hers... forever. Come get me, Cher—I'll be waiting.