THE GRAMMYS are the Happy Meal prize of all music awards. They're picked by music professionals, label executives, and other "experts"--i.e., people whose opinions only matter to themselves. That's why it doesn't matter if Paul Simon or Bikini Kill or Bela Bartok wins or is even nominated, because who cares what a bunch of CEOs think?

Among all this year's Grammy awardwinners--from the asinine, self-perpetuating controversy surrounding the nomination of Eminem to the uninformed stupidity of Paul McCartney's presence in the Best Alternative Album category (Yes, Paul McCartney. The monobrowed guy from the Beatles, possibly the least alternative band in all of pop music history.)--there is clearly only one recording that actually deserves to receive accolades. No, it is not Radiohead's Kid A. (While there is no denying that Kid A will be the--ahem--White Album of this century, its very existence has already become redundant, and to give it a Grammy would be almost condescending.) The only group/recording that actually deserves to win that tiny glistening statue is the talented and fetching foursome--now thrilling threesome--known as DESTINY'S CHILD, for Song of the Year, "Say My Name."

Why? Because "Say My Name" is an unsurpassed achievement in songwriting and recording. Their voices singing the admonishing chorus, "Say my name/you actin' kinda shady/ain't callin' me baby/why the sudden change?" sound as wet and shiny as the sensuous lip gloss that is brushed delicately across their mouths. Never has an R&B group sung with such urgency! Such passion! Such suppleness! Oh yes, some may argue that the funky divas themselves, En Vogue, had a monopoly on urgent R&B delivery as long ago as the early '90s, but En Vogue was still missing so much--mainly Beyoncé. But also, their lyrics could never compete with: "When no one is around/you say baby I love you/ain't no runnin' game." How could one resist such brawny accusation? I, certainly, would cower like a little puppy, were these lovely underage ladies actually directing this sentiment to ME (to which I would certainly say "LE TOYA, BEYONCÉ, KELLY AND LA TAVIA!"--or now just "BEYONCÉ, MICHELLE AND KELLY!"--with apologetic and enthusiastic vehemence.)

Most pivotal of all, however, to Destiny's Child's success is that they know to sing through their nostrils, an oft-overlooked device in powerful vocal delivery.

And so, Madonna, take your cowboy hat and stick it! Beck, if you win, give your award to its rightful owner, Prince! Steely Dan, be damned! Destiny's Child must win the Grammy.

The 43rd annual Grammy Awards will occur February 21, 2001.