COMEDY—Storytelling series are all the rage these days, and Risk!, the popular podcast and live show, is the best such series for hearing about, for example, someone shitting themselves on a first date. Tonight, creator (and alum of beloved comedy show The State) Kevin Allison brings the show to town. The theme? "Trash." You'll be grossed out, but delighted. DVH
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 8 pm, $20

SEX—Canadian "culture production workshop" Mammalian Diving Reflex have a history of fun events at TBA—and this year's no different. They're putting on All the Sex I've Ever Had, in which a group of elderly Portlanders will... well, talk about all the sex they've ever had, opening up dialogues about "intimacy, old age, youth-obsessed culture," and, of course, decades' worth of sweet, sweet fuckin'. EH
PSU's Shattuck Hall, 1914 SW Park, Wed-Sat, 7 pm, $20-25, all ages


COMEDY—The funniest person in all the world is coming to town to regale us with off-kilter jokes about pugs, mental illness, WASPy sisters, and unimpressed parents. It's rubber-faced stand-up Maria Bamford and her delightful array of weird voices and hysterical stories. She's the very embodiment of Portland—so let's find a monacled puppy to present her with a key to the city! CF
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Thurs 7:15 & 9:45 pm, Fri 7:30 pm, $27-34

MUSIC—National acts are fine. But tonight you're a locavore, taking a couple of hours to appreciate a troika of talent flourishing in your backyard. Both DoublePlusGood and Fringe Class slather on the reverb with snappy synth-pop sets. Then somewhere along the way it gets weirder, with the percussionists in Secret Drum Band bang, bang, banging away with minimal accompaniment. DVH
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $5

FEAST—Everyone's favorite bacchanalia of food is back! Tickets to many events at Feast are sold out, but there's still some left for big events like the Sandwich Invitational tonight, where you can pay $95 to eat delicious sandwiches and hobnob with well-heeled epicureans. Just make sure you crash the afterparties. AD
Multiple locations, Thurs-Sun,; Sandwich Invitational, Director Park, 815 SW Park, 6 pm, $95


MUSIC—After the release of her 2008 breakout debut album, Youth Novels, Swedish musician Lykke Li went underground to lick her wounds after a bad breakup. She resurfaced to release Wounded Rhymes in 2011 and has since followed that up with this year's I Never Learn, continuing her run of bruised and tender pop, full of melodic hooks and a beautiful, varied voice. CF
w/Mapei; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 9 pm, $36-37, all ages

COMEDY—Pete Holmes is a barely functioning yet inspirational neurotic: He might be a mess, but he's a tall, genial, joyful mess, as heard on his must-listen podcast, You Made It Weird. Ripping off Marc Maron's WTF and making it better might seem like an impossibility, but Holmes has been doing it for years now. BR
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 7:30 & 10 pm, $22-32


SPORTS—Sure, you've been complaining all summer about the awful heat. But once the rain comes, you'll be sad about that, too—secretly wishing you'd had just a little bit more fun in the sun. Head off those regrets while you still can! Come play and drink (and win cash-money prizes) at Kicktoberfest, the Mercury's inaugural (and bitchin') kickball tournament. DCT
Bloomington Park, SE 100th & Steele, 10 am-5 pm, see for details

MUSIC/ART—Chanticleer Trü closes out TBA's The Works with a nightclub disguised as an art installation, or an installation that is actually a nightclub. It's the world premiere of Evelyn, an interactive, experiential, glittering art piece named for disco legend Evelyn "Champagne" King. Audience members are encouraged to dress their clubbiest best and "become part of the work" by reveling in it. MB
The Works at Fashion Tech, 2010 SE 8th, 10:30 pm, $8-10

MUSIC—Star Bar celebrates four years of underrated happy hours and rock 'n' roll nights with a free show that's gonna be tighter than the black clothing hugging the asses of fans of the Mean Jeans and Long Knife, who'll be providing the soundtrack to tomorrow's hangover. Don't forget the vegan Jell-O shots! MS
w/Andy Place & the Coolheads, DJ Jessicat; Star Bar, 639 SE Morrison, 8 pm, FREE


MUSIC—It's time for another edition of Ear Candy: a FREE gift from the Portland Mercury and Mississippi Studios to you! Tonight's slam-bang show features the shoegaze-y, fuzzy fun of Lubec (releasing their new CD tonight!), the new wavey, hard-edged pop of Night Mechanic (also releasing their new CD!), and the fresh-faced indie pop of Old Wave (formerly Adam Brock 4). WSH
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, FREE

ETHNIC FOOD—The West Coast is lousy when it comes to matching the breadth and depth of Southern and Eastern European cuisine available in the Midwest and East Coast. Which is why it's so important that you never, ever miss St. Stanislaus Church's annual Polish Festival. There's dancing. There's polka. There's pastries in a church basement. There's amazing food spelled with an amazing amount of consonants. DCT
St. Stanislaus Church, 3900 N Failing, Sat 11 am-10 pm, Sun noon-6 pm, FREE


MUSIC—It's a K Records artist showdown tonight at Holocene, headlined by Portland's the Shivas—fine purveyors of badass jangle pop. Also along for the ride, the long-awaited return of the musically varied Adrian Orange, and the Twin Peaks-esque solo guitar work of R.Ariel. WSH
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $6

FILM—You've already seen Do The Right Thing, Spike Lee's 1989 classic juxtaposing Public Enemy, the sweetest opening dance sequence ever, and tension building into violence on the hottest day of the year—so you know why it's worth seeing again. It's part of the Hollywood's new series on race with guest panelists, this one with filmmaker David Walker. MB
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $6-8


MUSIC—Roughly a decade after you kissed San Francisco legends the Aislers Set goodbye, the band who made a near-perfect marriage between heady '60s pop and boozy punk rock is back, with vinyl re-issues of their three LPs and a tour through several lucky cities, like ours. MS
w/the Minders; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $15

FILM—Starring Django Unchained's Christoph Waltz, Terry Gilliam's latest, The Zero Theorem, is a dark, twisty, sci-fi comedy that inspires flashbacks to Brazil. And while it's been available on VOD for a while, it's finally, finally showing up in a few theaters. Trust me: You want to see it, and you want to see it on a big screen. EH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, Kiggins Theatre, 1011 Main, Vancouver, see Movie Times