Every newspaper has its share of failed columns--Night Cabbie, Suey Chow's Dinner Palace of Love, Go! Fight! Win!, The Wild Life, Allah's Math (a "hip-hop column"), The Nightcrawler, Urban Pulse, Natureboy, I Found It, T.V. Highway, and The Nose... just to name a few. But the Mercury is happy to proclaim that after three years of publication, we've had 119 columns that never quite cut the mustard. From advice columns like "Ask a Soiled Mattress Down by the River," or "Ron, the Aspiring Necrophiliac," to our celebrity guest columns such as "Christ, That Aches! By Jonathan Frakes," and "It Burns When I'm Peein' by Nancy McKeon," every attempt at longevity has been thwarted by either subject matter, drug addiction, or reader disinterest. However, even in a bowl of rancid milk, the cream invariably rises to the top, and with this in mind, we invite you to tolerate...