OoooOOOOoooooHHH! Hellooooo everybodyyy! Kevin, the Portland Mercury Street Team Ghost, here to tell you about alllll the WONDERFUL things you can read in this week's issuuuuuuuue! OoooOOOooohh!
• Are You Confuuuused by Public Art? Meeeee, TOOOOOOO! However, our very own JOE STRECKERT takes a GHOOOULISHLY fun look at Portland's many public art pieces, AND gets various critics to CRITIQUE them! Ohhhhh! Hope they're not toooo meaaaan! (JK! It's a verrrrry ENTERTAINING storyyyy ooooOOOOOooooohhh!)
• Do Yoooou Like Soccer? Meeeee, TOOOOOOO! I used to play the sport—WHEN I WAS ALIIIIIVE ooooOOOOOooooohhh! Anyway, the Mercury's AAAABE AAAASHER has an article in this issue about last Sunday's stunning victory for the PORTLAND TIMMMMBERRRS oooOOOooo. They won a CUP or something! Youuuu should read this! You like sports! Sports... are... FUNNN!! oooOOOoooooohhh!!
• Is Foooood Something That Interests Youuuu? Meeeee, TOOOOOOO! The Mercury's resident food critic Aaaandreaaaa DAAAAAAAMEWOOD reviews the newww restaurant TAAAAASTEBUD! Should you eat there? REEEEAD the article and decide for yourself ooooOOOOOooooohhh! (I really miss eating. It's no fun being incorporeal oooooooooooooooooh.)
• Are You Sometimes Scared, but Titillated When It Comes to Sex? Meeeee, TOOOOOOO! Youuu should reeead this week's SAVAGE LOOOOVE, it alllways has excellent advice for people who still have sexual coitus. I DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL COITUS BECAUSE I AM A GHOST ooooOOOOOooooohhh! And that makes me ANGRY and occasionally VIOLENT ooooOOOOOooooohhh! (I should write Dan Savage a letter about that. Anyway... read his column! It is gooooOOOOOoooood!)
And there are many MOOORE interesting things to read in this week's issue, tooooOOOOOooooohhh! Don't miss ANY of themmmm!
I'm Kevin, the Portland Mercury Street Team Ghost—and don't forget! I'll be on the corner of SW 5th and Morrison THIS Saturday afternoon handing out Mercury T-shirts, bumper stickers, and drumming loudly on a bucket ooOOOOOoohhh! GOOOOO TEAAAAM MERRRRRCURRRRRY! OOOOOOOOOHHH!